The Power of Words: How to Step into a New Truth

 If you want to step into a new truth, you must start talking about yourself differently. I recommend The Four Agreements by Miguel Ruiz to help you create a new truth.  Ruiz says that if you want that if you want to experience heaven on earth you must learn to keep the first agreement: Be impeccable with your word. Ruiz says that the first agreement is actually the most important of the four agreements and the most difficult to keep.

At first glance, keeping the first agreement didn’t so difficult to me.  I keep my commitments. I do what I say I’m going to do and I’m known to be honest and trustworthy, but according to Ruiz, the definition is much broader than keeping commitments and being trustworthy. Unbeknownst to me, I made an assumption about what it means to be impeccable.  I guess I’m not so good at the third agreement either. (The third agreement is never make an assumption.) By the way, the other agreements are: never make assumptions; never take anything personally; and always do your best. 

 Being impeccable, as I understand it now has three prongs: the way you speak about yourself, what you are willing to agree with, and the way you speak about others. Take for example, the silent conversation you have in your head every day.  When you mentally abuse yourself you say things to yourself like “you idiot…” or “You are making a fool of yourself…” or “What will everyone think

if I fail?”  You are not being impeccable because you are not acting in your best interests.

Another example is when you compare yourself. More often than not, the loser is you. “He has a bigger house,” or “She is a better at sales” and “They have a better family.”  In the silent conversation whether through discounting or comparisons, you betray yourself and act against your own best interests. 

So how do you make sure you become impeccable on this first prong? Shakespeare said it this way, “To thine own self be true…” However My friend Sue Janick said it another way when she recently won a Toastmasters speech contest:

“We all remember 911 and we worry about terrorism in our nation.  We all want peace on earth, but most of us do not realize that every day we live amongst terrorists. The terrorist is the voice inside your own head that speaks to you daily and says things like, ‘you are so stupid…you are not worthy, or ‘you should have done this instead of that’ and ‘you will never be a success.”  

Here’s the trickiest prong of being impeccable: Don’t agree with someone else’s negative point of view. You can’t be impeccable with your word when you fall under the spell of believing someone else’s reality when it doesn’t serve your best interests. For example someone tells you your idea is no good and you believe them. Now instead of pursuing your idea or tweaking it to make it workable, you are under the spell of believing it is no good therefore you lose your passion.  

Just recently I was able to turn a situation around when I was sharing a business concept  with a trusted friend who is also an experienced business professional.  The friend started talking about how difficult it would be to materialize the idea, how others might not understand the concept and how there was a financial risk and it might take a long time.”  I silently said to myself, “I do not agree. This is one reality and mine is different. ”  Saying this affirmation to myself kept me conscious so that I didn’t fall into a collective agreement about how things are supposed to be.  As a result, the business idea materialized in two days, and there was a nice profit.  In the past I might have focused on the fear and not moved forward simply because I was willing to enter into a “collective agreement” with someone else rather than committing to become impeccable with my word. 

With that said, I want to be careful not to criticize my friend for having a different reality than me because it’s also important to have to have a high regard for others if you want to be impeccable with your word.   If you are tempted to gossip or criticize, then read on to see why Ruiz says that criticism and negativity toward others hurts you just as much as it does the other person.

“If I see you in the street and I call you stupid, it appears that I’m using the word against you. But really I’m using my word against myself, because you’re going to hate me for this, and your hating me is not good for me. Therefore if I get angry and with my word send all the emotional poison to you, I’m using the word against myself.” 

Words have power and magic in them. Words have the power to harm or the power to heal. Let there be peace on earth and let it begin with me….and you.

Circumstances Reveal Who You Are

I used to use a little humor in my keynote speech by talking about dealing with adversity, and then I would ask the audience a question: Do you know when I’m at my best?

The audience would guess something like, “when you are tested and overcome circumstances?” I would say, “No, I’m at my best when everything goes my way.” 

After a few laughs the audience would recoginze the truth in that statement. All of us want things to go our way and we are happy when circumstances are of our choosing.

However, the opportunity for growth often presents itself through difficulties and unwanted circumstances.
I call this place “The Gap.”

If you are committed to personal growth there will almost always be a gap between where you are and where you want to be.  The visual I use in my Stop Your Drama Methodolgy is that of a rowboat going to an island. If the journey is 5 miles away, there is not so much drama. If the journey is 500 miles away there is more opportunity for drama. In other words, the larger the gap, the more potential for drama.

Here are some truths to help you manage those difficult times in the gap.

1. Know what is required
Do a little planning and research before jumping out there too far. You can’t get to the island 5000 miles away with a rowboat, no team and no map. Know what you need in time, money, and resources before you make such a big commitment, otherwise you are not going to be equipped to handle the drama in such a big gap.

2. Chunk it down
Whether you are working by yourself, or leading a team you can manage the gap more effectively by making designated stopping places. In other words, row to the island 50 miles away and stop on an island to celebrate. Then get back in that boat and row toward your island. Your team will stay motivated if they feel a sense of accomplishment along the way.

3. Make a game of it
Instead of resisting the drama in the gap, be prepared to see how you can handle it with grace. Make it a part of your inner journey of growth. Practice patience if you are normally impatient. See how long you can go without complaining. Make yourself bigger than your circumstances and see how this improves your self-esteem.

4. Realize that life is lived in the gap
Realize that drama in the gap will not equal success on the island. If you are miserable while on the way to accomplishing your goal, chances are you aren’t going to be much happier once you get to “the island.” Keep in mind that life is always lived in the gap and drama in the gap will not equal real success on the island.

Increase Productivity by Releasing Resistance

You’ve surely felt it before.
Your clients resist purchasing.
You employees resist your leadership.
Your spouse resists your ideas.

Maybe you even resist a few things.
You resist looking at your numbers.
You resist looking at the Employee drama,
or you resist dealing with an irritable client.

What causes resistance?

Fear, disagreement, lack of understanding
and navigating through change.

Perhaps you “feel” the resistance in our world
right now because of the massive changes and fears.

Resistance always creates high stress and “DRAMA”
which is what I define as an obstacle to your
peace and prosperity.

The end result of resistance is
feeling stuck, increased negativity,
exhaustion, overwork, anxiety, and
lower productivity.

Whether you are a leader trying to
influence your staff, or sales professional
offering new services to your client,
you must know how to identify resistance
so you can “release the resistance”
and navigate through the change.

Many try will-power, behavioral solutions,
and disciplined approaches, only to have a
very short-term fix, leading to anxiety or
even disappointment.

The solution is secondary

Yes, the solution is always secondary to the emotional
and mental energy issues taking place during a period
of resistance.

There is one mind-set that must be activated
before change can take place. You must get
to what I call “The fulcrum point of change.”

Sign up for my teleseminar series on how to recognize and release resistance and how to tap into the fulcrum point of change.

You can use this information in various ways
1. To change something in your own life
2. To facilitate change on your team
3. To influence your clients
4. To figure out what is keeping you stuck and distracted

This may be one of the most important personal
and professional development tools you will ever
acquire. The knowledge you take from this
content-packed program can be used in your
personal and your professional life.

Who Should Attend?

*You are successful but want to maximize your energy
*You are ready to reinvent in some area of your business
*You want new methods to increase sales
*You enjoy learning cutting edge information
*You are comfortable exploring new methodologies
*You sometimes struggle with low energy and feel “tapped out”
*You are in the midst of a “power struggle” at home or at work
*You want to boost your confidence and self-esteem
*You want your relationships and communication to improve
*Ready for a challenge and a change

To see more about this program click on  Release Resistance.

Need for Perfection Leads to Drama

Question: My time management is pathetic. I need some help prioritizing and fitting in important things like exercise and a healthy diet. I expect perfection and have a hard time with expectations.

Answer: I love this question because it truly is an energy issue. All drama has three components in common and one of those components is energetic. I call this energetic charge, RESISTANCE.

One of the ways resistance shows up is in self judgment. Let’s address the self judgment. The need to be perfect is a resistance to our humanity. As a human you will always find imperfections.  When we expect to be perfect we will always fail. Perfection is an empty black hole that is easy to fall in to. So I try to encourage my consulting clients to seek excellence because excellence allows room to grow while perfection is a myth that some day I will have all the answers. This is a big trap that will always have you grasping for something you will never achieve. So there is a bit more flexibility with excellence.

Perfection is all about needing approval and being right. 

There is also some resistance around the issue of time and how we use time, and the myth that technology is going to save you time.  Now let’s look at the myths about technology. One myth is that more advances in technology gives us more time. The reality is it only gives us more choices. Our expectations change to fill up the time. This is very difficult for most of us to accept. We reject the notion that you can never really save time. Time just is. You can be more effective. You can choose differently. You can even master your energy differently but you will never really save time because the expectation changes with the technology. What is called for here is mastering energy.

Energy management is the key issue here. This is a matter of making a decision and sticking to it. Simply spending some quiet time and giving yourself a week to exercise three times for 1 hour would be a nice start. It’s really just a discipline and the willingness to slow down in your thinking just a bit.

Once you follow through your self-esteem and overall sense of well being will increase. This extra energy is what will make you more efficient, not working past your limits, skipping meals and feeling bad about yourself.

In addition, remember that if you don’t give your body what it needs, it will eventually take the down time in the form of an illness or accident. In other words, you can’t fool mother nature.  We always reap the consequences of our choices, even when we fail to choose, it does not keep us from the effect.

Ready to release resistance? Join me  for the upcoming virtual training!

How to Master Your Energy and Reclaim Joy

Question: Though I have a loving husband and child, most of the people and life situations that surround me seem to drain me of energy and joy — always something to deal with or fix.  Why could this be?  Is this “just life,” and I am expecting too much?

Answer: No, you are definitely not asking too much, in fact, you are probably “giving” too much. You are not expecting too much you are expecting too little, probably from others.

Often, we take over and give until we have nothing more to offer. The good thing is that your body is giving you warning signs. The lack of joy and the exhaustion is a signal that needs to be listened to.  I would say this is going to take a little courage.

 I see two areas where you can practice
1. Setting boundaries
2. Asking for what you want

(By the way,  asking and setting boundaries are two of the LABOR principles.)

Asking for what you want, means risking rejection when others don’t want to help out or do their fair share.

 What will be required of you to do this is to face feelings of guilt, fear of rejection etc. Others may not understand the new you and if they are used to you being so available to their needs and wishes they may feel some resentment. You have to become more committed to yourself than to their approval.

 My challenge to you is to practice for a week just asking for little things. Be OK if you do not get your request met. Just ask. All you have to do is be willing.

Have an authentic conversation with your family and tell them you love them but you feel exhausted and you want to get your joy back. Tell them you realize you have not been letting others contribute and you are turning over a new leaf. Ask for their support. Let them know it is difficult for you to say “no” and difficult to ask.  This will set the foundation for you to move forward with less resistance from them.

Stop Relationship Drama: Get Clear

So much of the time, we use our energy trying to convince someone else, or get someone else’s agreement,  instead of getting clear on who we are and what we want.

For example, when someone crosses a boundary and you keep trying to convince them that you have a right to be angry, you are spending more energy convincing them, than you are about clarifying a boundary.

When you say “no” and it upsets someone else, do you keep trying to get them to understand and agree with your decision, or are you clear that you have a good reason and a right to say “no” with no complaints, no excuses and no regrets?

Do you spend hours in self-refection just tying to be more understanding, trying to figure someone out, and trying to be more worthy? Or are you clear that you have worth, and you expect authenticity and respect in your relationships?

Do you have temper tantrums, and use drama to tell someone off, hoping this time they will learn from their mistake and treat you better? Or are you so clear that you know how to draw a line in the sand?

All you really need is clarity.

Quit going to the island called “Getting their approval.”

You may be angry for good reason.
You do have the right to say “no.”
You may not be the one who needs to change or reflect.

If you are being manipulated, or sucked into games, it’s time to leave that drama behind. You can clean it up by getting clear about who you are and what you stand for. 

Of course the problem is, your clarity will not make everyone else happy.
You have two choices. Keep betraying yourself so you can get approval, or let go of the need to make everyone else understand.

If you can deal with that, you can stop your drama.

Is it Really a Choice?

Ever wonder why you (or someone you know) keeps falling into the same destructive patterns?  Then you hear a well-meaning motivational speaker say, “It’s a choice.” But is it really? Old programming runs most of your life, and until you have an awakening you may not even recognize the choices in front of  you.

Just like Dorothy in the Wizard of Oz, you may have the power, but since you don’t know how the power works, you keep seeking answers outside of yourself.

Is Your “No” a Boundary or Resistance?

When you say “no” what do you really mean? Is your “no” a boundary or is your “no” a form of resistance?  How do you know?

 When you are in resistance,  you are in a state of non-acceptance to what is..to something that has already happened, or to something you cannot immediately change or control.  Your “no” in this instance only makes the situation worse. Until you come into acceptance, you can’t  facilitate positive change.

However, saying “no” to something over which you have choice is alltogether different.

A good clean “no” has a different “energetic” feel to it. In other words the intention behind the “no” is the distinction.  Often times “No” does not equal “no” but instead

No = Please talk me into it.
No= I will show you!
No= Pay back.
No = I will manipulate you.
No = I need to be right.

All of the above listed forms of “no” is really just resistance to what is, and an attempt to manipulate someone else in order to change the situation.

So many times, “no” is said out of anger, only to leave a residue of regret. It  helps to remember that anger is not truth… but it can be the fuel that gets you there.

If you are angry, pay attention and ask yourself if a boundary has been crossed or if you are just frustrated because someone does not agree with or support your right to say, “no.”

You have the right to say no, when you don’t agree, when you don’t want to participate in something, or when a boundary has been crossed.  It is not your job to make sure everyone  understands, or is happy with your “no.”

In the end, if you want your “no” to really mean something and to be clear, you have to give up the need for everyone to understand or agree. Otherwise your “no” will lack integrity and clarity and your “yes” will also be watered down.

So how do you know if your “no” really means “no” or if  it is just resistance?  If your “no” is a good clean “no” there will be no drama attached. You will have peace even when you are not completely happy with how others respond, your “no” will honor the highest and best for you.

Master Your Energy: Where are you starting from?

You’ve surely had an instance where you left a meeting feeling resentful. Or you’ve had a conversation that caught you totally off guard, or you gave a gift that was not appreciated and you ended upfeeling unappreciated. Or you gave a pitch to a client only to leave feeling totall misunderstood.

You will always think the issue is about the other person, but the reality is, it is always about you and your energy. It is about where you are starting from. 

You  had a hidden motive, you had an agenda or an expectation you were unaware of.

If you could visualize energy as having a starting place, you can eliminate a whole lot of drama and disappointment. You visualize this and realize that you are always starting from some sort of energy and that energy is either positive or negative.

In other words, before every communication, interaction, or activity, you come from some place.  You either come from

• Desperation
• Excitement
• Anticipation
• Dread
• Hope
• Need for approval
• Intention to manipulate or control

You’ve surely experienced this on the other side of the fence. A friend comes to you and says, I just want to get your feedback, but when you give it,  your friend gets angry, feels insulted or tries to convince you to change your mind. What your friend really wanted was approval, not your advice.

The more clear you are about your intention, the less drama you will feel toward the outcome, and the less need you will have to get agreement, change someone else’s mind,  or make someone else wrong. 

One of my favorite spiritual authors, Gary Zukav says, if you are not sure about your intention before an interaction you will be clear about it afterwards.

Clearing your energy is all about knowing your intention in advance and eliminating the possible integrity gap of having two competing intentions.

Energy Management: Balancing Choice and Responsibility

No matter how technology improves, you just can’t catch up.

Because most of us are handling a schedule humanly impossible to manage, we feel frustrated, angry and overwhelmed instead of enjoying our work and feeling like we are contributing.

We are all addicted to the lie that technology is going to save time. The only thing that happens is a new demand emerges and the expectation changes.

The danger I see with emerging technology and the powerful choices that are offered to all of us, is we are not equipped to handle the power.  Not to knock technology. I love it too, but if you believe in the Chinese symbol of yen and yang you must also believe that with every benefit there is a price to pay, and that price is responsibility.

The more power you have the more responsible you must be.  I call this theory the Teeter Totter Effect. Choice and responsibility must be equally balanced.

The Teeter Totter Effect
A teeter totter rests on a fulcrum point. When the teeter totter is balanced, the teeter totter is completely horizontal and when it is not, one end rests higher than the other.

If the teeter totter is completely level and on the right side you have a 20 pound weight called “Choice” then on the left you must also have a 20 lb weight called “Responsibility.”

At first glance we always want more choices because more choices mean more power. However,  if  choice is not balanced with responsibility  then you are going to have trouble and eventually drama.

For example, look at the young, and I mean very YOUNG children who have been given the power of the cell phone and texting.  The result has been less monitoring by parents, and kids as young as 13 years old sexting, being bullied on social networks and then because they do not have the maturity or the support they commit suicide.

Look at how adults who should know better,  risk their lives and put others at risk by texting while driving. (There’s a lot of denial out there about our ability to multi-task while science and research proves our brains are not built for it.)

We have become unconscious and do not know how to balance choice and responsibility. Balancing choice with responsibility, is what energy management is all about.