Three Ways to Avoid Relationship Drama

Before you know it you get sucked in. You were misunderstood. It wasn’t even your issue and now because you got involved, you are the bad guy. If you want to avoid getting sucked into workplace drama here are three easy tips to keep you drama free.

1. Stand on the Bridge
2. Keep your two cents
3. Get curious

Stand on the bridge
This is one of my favorite exercises to help clients to detach from the heat of the moment. I wish I could claim it as my own, but it comes from author Gary Zukav.  Gary says that when you are pulled in by your emotions it is as if you are in the midst of a raging river. The water (representing your emotions) slap at your face and you feel as though you might get swept away. The next time you are aware enough to feel the heavy emotion threatening to suck you into the current, say to yourself,  “Stand on the bridge…stand on the bridge.”

Keep your two cents
You’ve heard the saying, “a penny saved is a penny earned.”  Earn your peace by saving your two cents. The next time someone invites you to give your opinion about some drama they are involved in, simply say, “I’m keeping my two cents to myself.”  It takes wisdom to realize that 90 percent of the time anyone who is venting and asking for your advice really just wants your support. You can lend support by acknowledging their feelings without offering council or playing referee.

Get curious
Instead of getting drawn into an argument, keep these questions in your back pocket:
1. What are your choices?
2. What if that wasn’t the case?
When you ask, “what are your choices,” the victim response is, “I don’t have any choices.”
If this is what you hear, just nod sympathetically. No advice and no getting sucked into a heavy current of emotion.
If you ask, “what if that wasn’t the case,” and they start an argument,  you know the drill. No advising or getting sucked in.

The reality is this: Awareness is the first step. Without awareness, a person cannot really choose, because responsibility is the RECOGNITION of choice. Until one recognizes his choices he is stuck into patterned responses driven by the subconscious mind.  If you continue to be drawn into any dysfunction including workplace or relationship drama, use these three methods to increase your own awareness and a more healthy relationships.

Four Ways To Stop the Drama at Work

Have you ever felt taken advantage of in the workplace? Your co-workers manipulate situations, do underhanded petty things, gossip and leave you out of conversations?  How do you get them to stop? There are four areas where you have a measure of control. To illustrate, read this true story about Miriam.

For several years Miriam, 52, has worked for a large corporation that has gone from a word processing department to a desktop publishing unit.  Although her coworkers are younger and have more seniority, Miriam has a degree in art and extensive graphic experience.  Miriam wants to retire with the company in six years but lately she feels like an outsider at work and she perceives this as a threat to her career.In her view, three of her coworkers are competitive and do underhanded things to get the “fun” jobs or the jobs that make them noticeable to management.  They withhold information, manipulate situations, steal ideas, or act helpless so that others will come to their aid and give them extra help. Miriam resents their skills at self-promotion and she finds it hard to sell herself, or to be taken seriously. She wants recognition for her work yet she finds it difficult to accept a compliment for fear of being perceived as haughty or ‘too proud.’ Miriam has tried on occasion to fit in with her coworkers by joking around but they act disgusted and make Miriam feel as though she has been inappropriate. When Miriam has tried to participate in the conversation she gets ignored and interrupted even to the point to where she has had to ask them to let her finish.  Miriam came to me for advice. She wanted to know how she could take charge of this situation.

There are four areas where Miriam has a measure of control: By exercising her choices, taking responsibility for her own career, changing her communication and becoming aware of the message she is sending.

CHOICES

None of us can control how coworkers act, but we can choose our reaction. Miriam must decide who she is (in the context of this situation) and continue to choose reactions that reflect confidence and centeredness.  When coworkers brag on themselves, rather than being envious or discounting them, she can agree with what is true and follow up with a question, “How did you do that?”   When we put ourselves in the position of believing we have all the confidence in the world, we’re not so hungry for the approval of others.  With this attitude and belief system in place, Miriam has more choices: to be come interested rather than envious, to become curious instead of competitive. With new choices comes the freedom to compliment her coworkers without discounting herself.

RESPONSIBILITY

It is your responsibility to take charge of your own promotion at work. Waiting for others to notice our attributes and talents is a poor way to gain personal power.  You can be ‘good’ in a closet and no one will ever know it.   Miriam can emphasize her background in graphic design and art by going to the library and brushing up on trends, and reporting the findings to her boss in an attitude of sharing knowledge. Instead of trying to compete with her coworkers and continue the cycle, Miriam can take credit for her ideas by telling the boss she would be glad to hold a session to teach some of her techniques and skills to her coworkers.  She might offer to train new hires or those that lag behind. She will be communicating that she is a team player and a leader.

COMMUNICATION

Communication is tricky-it’s more than mere words. Since Miriam feels rejected and distant it is most likely her communication is reflecting these emotions and perceptions, if not in her words or her tone, then perhaps in her body language.  One reason Miriam doesn’t receive support is because she communicates to her coworkers that she is uncomfortable with praise and doesn’t know how to react.  It’s best to acknowledge appreciation with a smile and a “thank you,” instead of arguing the point.  Rather than begging coworkers to let her finish her sentences, she can show her interest by asking open-ended questions. Miriam can monitor her communication to insure that the message received was the message intended.

AWARENESS

For every action, there is an equal and opposite reaction.  Without making assumptions it’s likely that there is a reason Miriam is being received the ways she is.  Let’s look at the reactions from her joking:  My question to Miriam:  “Are you interjecting sarcastic comments or trying to be subtle in letting them know you feel like an outsider? Are you rolling your eyes when you disagree with your coworkers?”  Miriam admitted she was a big eye-roller and it was an ah-ha moment. We can’t cure or change what we are unaware of.  Without self-awareness it’s difficult to choose differently, or change our communication. Self-awareness is the key that unlocks the door to taking charge.

To get more information about how to identify the drama, sign up for The Drama Stops Here.

Drama Signs: How to Spot the Red Flags

If only I had a sign I would know what to do. If you’ve ever said this while battling a state of confusion, let me tell you that the signs are all around you. Be thankful for the discomfort because if you notice it, it’s speaking to you.

Otherwise you are like the frog who gets boiled to death because the discomfort crept up on you at such a slow pace you failed to notice.Here are four ways drama shows up in various areas of life.

1. Relationships
2. Workplace
3. Health
4. Clutter

Relationship drama

The reason so many people are surprised when they get divorced is because they didn’t read the signs. They slowly started taking each other for granted, failing to be polite, take each other into consideration until the small trespasses become incivility such as eye rolling, voice raising and down right rudeness all the way to separate lives. The same is true in the workplace.

Workplace

It starts out as gossip, then complaining, to backstabbing to full blown negativity resulting in turnover and absenteeism. When you gripe about your boss, spend time at the water cooler talking about how unfair the new vacation policy is, you only add to the drama. Find a way to change it or accept it, anything else is just drama.

Health

First you skip a day at the gym. Then you have the second helping. Then it’s Ok to occasionally eat a handful of chips while watching the nightly news. Eventually exercise is the exception rather than the rule and second helpings have turned into thirds. Your pantry is full of fattening snacks for your evening television habit. Fast forward three years and you are 20 lbs overweight with high cholesterol. Set up a system of checks and balances so that your habits remain  your servant instead of your master.

Clutter

You feel overwhelmed so you leave the dishes in the sink. You’ll get the mail opened next week. You’ll get to that stack of magazines, or maybe you just need to cancel the subscription. Procrastination leads to clutter and clutter leads to feelings of overwhelm. It’s a vicious drama-producing cycle.

So…look for the signs all around you. You can look for evidence of success or evidence of drama.
The choice is yours. Get my free audio Reclaim Your Power to Create.

Feeling Resistance? Get in the Shade or Go Home

The sun was shining with not a cloud in the sky. “You couldn’t ask for better weather for Cider Days,” I said to my neighbor.

“Yes, I’m glad it isn’t raining,”  my neighbor responded.

Cider Days is a community event where vendors from around the region set up booths to display and sell their pottery, jewelry, photography, paintings and other artistic wares.

After about 10 minutes of walking around,  I noticed how hot the sun was on my head. My hair felt like it was on fire.  Without much thought I heard my voice say, “It’s really hot.”

My neighbor agreed.  “That sun is really bearing down.”

“Yep, there’s not a cloud in the sky to give any relief,” I continued.

Several times I would go to a booth and get under the awning and feel a sense of relief, but every time I stepped out into clear view I felt the heat of the sun and with the sensation the impulse to “COMMENT” on how hot it was.

Get in the Shade or Go Home!

Finally a thought occurred and it was almost as if I heard an audible voice saying, ‘Get in the shade or go home…everything else is just drama.”

Because I TEACH this stuff (how to eliminate negativity and drama) I’m sometimes painfully aware of my own resistance to what is.  This may seem minor, but the fact remains that we spend way too much time in drama which is due MIND PATTERNS and a lack of discipline, awareness, and self-mastery.

As a leader  SELF-MASTERY is a tool that will serve you well.   William Penn said, “No man (or woman) is fit to command another who cannot command himself.  I KNOW that I must hold myself up to a high standard if I am to have the “privilege of the platform” in speaking on these subjects at corporate events and association speaking engagements, not to mention my consulting projects.

DRAMA (which I define as any obstacle to your peace or prosperity) can manifest in a multitude of ways,  yet there  is always a level of RESISTANCE with any drama that is present.

When you look at your own levels of resistance without getting attached emotionally you can see that there is always another choice.  See the short list below.

• Griping about the heat | Get in the shade or go home.
• Worrying about the economy | Call your financial planner, get a second job or sell something
• Comparing Yourself to others | Network with those better than you or quit looking
• Outbursts and Temper Tantrums | Beat a pillow, take a nap or go for a walk
• Talking endlessly about how someone did you wrong | Confront or forgive
• Judging your boss, you staff or your co-workers | Ask for what you want or set a boundary
• Justifying bad behavior | apologize, read some self-help or get counseling

Well, this was fun and I could go on and on. The bottom line is each of us is responsible for creating the life, the relationships, and the business we want. Everything else is just DRAMA. Drama often shows up as a  non-acceptance of what is.

So now I’m setting up a challenge for myself to come live life from the perspective of  “No complaints, no excuses, no regrets.”

This means I have to notice in my own life where I’m failing to master my thoughts, emotions, relationships or physical health. This means I must notice when I am resisting versus choosing consciously.

THE CHALLENGE
My challenge to you is to pick one area of DRAMA  or RESISTANCE that you are willing to eliminate this week.  E-mail me your commitment!

Better  yet, join the Release Resistance Training and really FREE yourself. It happens on July 1st.

Three Questions to Elevate the Mood in the Office

Are Bad moods contributing to the office drama?  Maybe you are asking the wrong questions. In this 3.45 minute audio you will learn:

• What a bad mood really is
• How thinking contributes to a bad mood
• Why negativity rolls downhill

In addition you will get three new questions you can use with your staff, (or with yourself) to nip bad moods in the bud.

Listen Here

Drama Won’t Get You There Any Faster

Want to see an example how negativity and drama creates power struggles, stress and lost time? Look no further than the American Airlines incident where the airline flight crew arrived an hour late without notice.

When the crew arrived to greet the angry mob of passengers hissing and booing, the crew decided not to fly at all because of the hostile environment. As a result the passengers arrived not an hour late but a full day late as they were forced to spend the night in a hotel. To make matters worse, their baggage ended up at the wrong airport.

Our local news station invited people to e-mail their opinions about who is right and who is wrong. Although it makes for good news, this is the wrong question if we want solutions. Worrying about who is right and who is wrong is just another way to justify hissing and booing or deciding not to fly.

A different choice on the part of the airlines or the passengers might have yielded very different results. What could have been the outcome if the airline would have called in to let people know they were running late? What if there would have been a voice of reason in the angry mob persuading everyone to think before reacting? What if the airline would have just apologized and offered a free snack or a discount on the next flight?

Instead, a string of assumptions and reactions resulted in a power struggle so big it made the national news. This is a good reminder that negativity never gets you the results you want, no matter who is right and who is wrong.

If you want to see the news clip go to http://www.breitbart.tv/?p=126403

Food for thought: How can we create peace on earth when we are more committed to justifying bad behaviors than dealing with the day disappointments, delays and frustrations?

How to Stay Cool When Hot Buttons Are Pushed

Leadership is about influence. The most important thing a boss can do to influence employees is to show them respect. Listening is the best way to show respect. (When I was finishing my master’s degree I interviewed employees and found a common theme: My boss doesn’t listen.)

Or course, they have no idea of the pressures of leadership. Dealing with the people issues while trying to increase productivity and profits. It’s easy to get into habits that indicate a lack of respect.

OK..I know what you are thinking. If they would just quit complaining, or if they would just do their job it would be easy.

Who ever told you leadership was easy? I truly believe leadership is a spiritual journey where you learn to be conscious and learn your own lessons. Your employees…the ones that cause you trouble are your best teachers.

Here’s the deal: The hardest time to listen is when you feel like blowing your stack. The complainer comes to you with a problem that you can’t solve, or the bickering has you rescuing instead of leading. If you aren’t careful your complainers start navigating the ship while you shovel coal in the boiler room trying to keep the ship on course.

Is it possible to listen without encouraging the complaining? Yes, but it takes an awareness of how to listen while EMPOWERING them to be a problem solver! The wrong kind of listening only encourages the complaining and then you become an enabler!

Here is a five part audio lesson that will help you turn complainers into problem-solvers, and make you look like the best listener on the planet. Once you master these techniques you will be in control and navigating the ship instead of shoveling coal in the boiler room.

It’s called How to Stay Cool When Hot Buttons Are Pushed.

Good Training Can Prevent Bad Customer Service

I just returned from a much needed vacation. My husband and I went to Las Vegas to see a show, a couple of attractions and to spend a day at the Grand Canyon. Part of any good vacation is eating at restaurants you don’t have in your own area. I spotted a Bahama Breeze Restaurant and remembered a great experience in Florida four years ago.

This particular experience was not the same. When our waiter approached I asked him if they could seat us outside since it was a lovely evening. He said, “No we aren’t serving anyone outside tonight.”

Realizing that I was hinting instead of asking for what I really wanted, I decided to be more direct. I asked the young lady who brought our water and menus if we could move outside.

“Absolutely,” she said.
“Our first waiter said ‘no’ in a round about way so could you check to make sure?”

Before she could return, I asked our main waiter, “Would you mind waiting on us outside?”

“No, I won’t wait on you out there,” he said. “It’s too windy.”

The other waitress was shocked, and she apologized for her co-worker, letting us know if it was up to her she would gladly serve us outside.

Having so much compassion for the manager, I consciously decided to let the manager know about the incident. The manager was extremely polite and he apologized saying that they never give training to their employees and they rely totally on their hiring processes.

This is a good example why training is just as important as hiring. One without the other can cost you your reputation and new customers. Many times the employees don’t see the bigger picture. They are just there to put in their hours, or they don’t want their work to be challenging and they forget that their main job is to serve the customer, not to make their own work easier.

Negative attitudes hampers productivity. Go here to learn more.

Workaholism: The Entrepreneur’s Drama

When I finally had the courage to quit my blue collar job and start my business I thought I was creating a life I wanted. (Here I am on a forklift on my last day at Kraft Foods.) Notice the uniform and hairnet! Couldn’t wait to get rid of those!

It was exciting to have the freedom to use  time how ever I wanted. I was determined to love my work,

use my talents and create a wonderful life.  No longer was I going to be motivated only by security or a steady paycheck. No longer was I tied to a production line looking up at the clock knowing the best part of the day is realizing it’s time to rotate.  No, I was going to become the master of my destiny.

 

I named my business ICARE, which stood for Improving Communication and Relationships Everywhere. The idea came from my understanding of how difficult it is to be “in relationship” in the workplace when you are at the bottom of the food chain and your boss only sees you as a number.  My mission was to change the dynamics of communication and relationships in the world of work. I believed life could be good in every area, no matter what your job, status or position.

It didn’t take long before I got speaking engagements across the United States. I got my first national engagement the second year.

Then I started getting articles published in trade journals and magazines.
I started writing for the Springfield Business Journal on a regular basis. I developed products and then I started developing training programs. I even got in to places like NASA and Brookhaven National LAB. The Detroit Free Press even bought my booklets and handed them out at their career fairs. The more opportunities I got the more ideas I had and the harder and longer I worked. People commended me for my determination, my work ethic and my tenacity.

What I and others failed to recognize is that the dream had become an addiction. I became a workaholic. I had traded one type of prison for another. I didn’t’ know where I ended and the business began. Being a creative type and working out of a home office didn’t help.

Even on weekends, there was always another article to write, more research to do, another self-help seminar to sign up for, another product to create and another internet marketing technique to learn. I was compelled to do more, produce more, learn more.

I thought I was disciplined when in fact I was addicted. Now that I’ve come through the other side of withdrawal, (taking weekends off, scheduling time for fun and working only 25 hours per week) I see addiction all around me.

Being busy is the new status symbol. The busier you are, the more worthy you feel. Being busy is an excuse you can use to avoid involvement, relationships and previously agreed upon commitments. In addition busyness is a story others buy into without much argument. After all, they too are busy.

The cure for addiction is discipline; however most of us get the two confused because on the surface addiction and discipline have a lot in common. Both are habits and both discipline and addiction have a push-pull feel of competing desires.

The way to determine if you are disciplined or addicted is to ask yourself two questions.
1. Am I the servant or the master of (fill in the blank).
2. When it comes to (fill in the blank) I selling my soul or feeding my soul?

When you are addicted your urges control you. When you are disciplined, you control your urges. When you are addicted you are the servant. You feel splintered, out of control. You have no choices.

When you are disciplined you are the master. You are in charge. You are aligned. You get to decide.

One of my favorite authors, Gary Zukav in his book Heart of the Soul, lists some ways to know if you are ruled by your workaholic compulsions:

• Projects are more important than people
• Impatience
• Overwhelm
• No time
• Feeling fatigued but still can’t stop

Addiction and discipline have an impact on your soul. When you are addicted you sell your soul. When you are disciplined you feed your soul.