Two Questions you Answer Each Day

Every day you answer two basic questions. You either answer them consciously or unconsciously. The two questions are:

1. Who am I?
2. Who am I in relationship to X?

In answering these questions (either consciously or unconsciously) you represent yourself.

For example, you decide to go to a business meeting and you consciously choose to style your hair, put on make-up, take enough business cards and prepare your “elevator speech.” You consciously represent yourself as one who is a business person, and that is your intention. You have answered the question: who am I? The answer is, I am a business woman.  You  have answered the question who am I in relationship to this business mixer. Your answer is, I am a woman who dresses the part, is prepared and competent.

All is well. All is going as planned. You represented yourself consciously.

Later, a group of people gather to talk, and you feel frustrated. The conversation is slow. People are ignorant. You just can’t contain yourself so you interrupt, share your point of view and exclude others standing in the perimeters.  You now are answering the question who am I, differently and from a place of reaction instead of conscious choice.

I am one who is irritated. I am one who is annoyed.  I am one who must put in my two cents.  You have answered the question, “who am I?”  You are also answering the question, “who am I in relationship to being bored and annoyed?

Your answer is I am self-engaged, rude and obnoxious.
Oops. You didn’t mean to do that. You feel misunderstood.

The more aware you are of who you are and who you want to be, the more congruent your attitudes, language and behavior will be.

7 Reasons People Lie

People lie as a way to gain pleasure or avoid discomfort. Below are seven examples of little white lies and the reasons behind them.

1. To save face

You blame being “too busy” for being behind on a project rather than admitting you are unorganized.

2. To avoid taking responsibility

You  tell the sales person to call back next week because you don’t want to take responsibility for saying “no.”  When he does call back we tell him it’s “not in our budget,” or “the committee said no.”

3. To avoid confrontation

The fired employee is told  “we are just moving in another direction” instead of telling him his work didn’t measure up.

4. To gain a benefit without paying the price.

You call in sick just to have another day off with pay.

5. For self-protection

You look in the  mirror and say to yourself, “of course you don’t look fat in that outfit” and you say one more helping won’t hurt and I’ll start my diet tomorrow.

6. To influence others

You compliment someone so that they will like you or buy from you. Or, you agree with their point of view even though you secretly disagree.

7. To please others

You laugh at a disgusting joke even though you are offended. You justify your lie by the belief that if they knew you were offended they would have ammunition.

To live honestly in the purest sense of the word may be more of a journey than a destination, and the first step is awareness and introspection.  One reason people lie is that they have not developed the delicate communication skills required to live honestly and still keep the relationship in tact. The way we apply honesty in our lives is a mirror to our character. Derived from the Greek, the word character has come to mean the constellation of strengths and weaknesses that form and reveal who we are. Honesty that is absent of the other character traits such as courtesy, kindness, integrity and self-discipline, can be toxic and truth telling must be delivered with kindness, integrity and with regard to the relationship.

Three Ways to Avoid Relationship Drama

Before you know it you get sucked in. You were misunderstood. It wasn’t even your issue and now because you got involved, you are the bad guy. If you want to avoid getting sucked into workplace drama here are three easy tips to keep you drama free.

1. Stand on the Bridge
2. Keep your two cents
3. Get curious

Stand on the bridge
This is one of my favorite exercises to help clients to detach from the heat of the moment. I wish I could claim it as my own, but it comes from author Gary Zukav.  Gary says that when you are pulled in by your emotions it is as if you are in the midst of a raging river. The water (representing your emotions) slap at your face and you feel as though you might get swept away. The next time you are aware enough to feel the heavy emotion threatening to suck you into the current, say to yourself,  “Stand on the bridge…stand on the bridge.”

Keep your two cents
You’ve heard the saying, “a penny saved is a penny earned.”  Earn your peace by saving your two cents. The next time someone invites you to give your opinion about some drama they are involved in, simply say, “I’m keeping my two cents to myself.”  It takes wisdom to realize that 90 percent of the time anyone who is venting and asking for your advice really just wants your support. You can lend support by acknowledging their feelings without offering council or playing referee.

Get curious
Instead of getting drawn into an argument, keep these questions in your back pocket:
1. What are your choices?
2. What if that wasn’t the case?
When you ask, “what are your choices,” the victim response is, “I don’t have any choices.”
If this is what you hear, just nod sympathetically. No advice and no getting sucked into a heavy current of emotion.
If you ask, “what if that wasn’t the case,” and they start an argument,  you know the drill. No advising or getting sucked in.

The reality is this: Awareness is the first step. Without awareness, a person cannot really choose, because responsibility is the RECOGNITION of choice. Until one recognizes his choices he is stuck into patterned responses driven by the subconscious mind.  If you continue to be drawn into any dysfunction including workplace or relationship drama, use these three methods to increase your own awareness and a more healthy relationships.

Eleven Reasons You Aren’t Getting What You Want

Sometimes you just don’t get what you want. Even if you are an action taker, sometimes you feel stuck in the gap. The gap is the distance between where you are and where you want to go. There are a lot of theories on why people don’t get what they say they want. Here are 11 observations. See if any of these resonate and give me your own observations.

1. You don’t really know what you want.

2. You know what you want but you don’t believe it’s possible.

3. You don’t know what is required to get where you want to go.

4. You are not willing to do what is required.

5. You are not willing to ask for help.

6. You keep asking for approval instead of owning what you want.

7. You are not telling the truth about what you really want.

8. You are more committed to something else rather than your goal.

9. Old programming keeps you operating from your subconscious mind.

10. You do get what you want but you never celebrate or recognize it so you don’t get to experience the joy of success.

11. Your expectations are unrealistic given your skills, resources and time available.
(see #3)

What habits to do you see that keep people from getting what they want?

What Don’t You Know About You?

A concept that others know things about “me” that I don’t know about myself was first introduced to me in a college class where I learned about the Johari Window.

The Johari Window is a cognitive psychological tool which helps you see youself in comparison with how others see you.

It’s a little disturbing to think that you know who you are, but others see you in a totally different way. Truth is, we all silently think things about each other that we keep to ourselves.

I have come up with five things others may think but  not be willing to tell you. If any of these examples  hit a nerve, read on. The solutions are included.

No one will say to you…

1. You have bad breath

2. You are a bad listener

3. You are boring

4. You are undependable

You have bad breath

When I worked in the factory I was very fond of a particular business unit manager, but I hated it when he came up to talk to me. He had the worst breath. There’s a difference between “garlic” breath and “need to floss” breath.

Everyone knew he needed to floss except for him!

The solution to this one is easy. Ask a couple of trusted friends if you have bad breath, get regular dental cleanings, floss regularly and for goodness sakes, carry some breath mints after eating garlic.

You are a bad listener

Several bad habits come to mind, interruption, lack of eye contact, and distraction. Let’s take the phone for example. You may think you are fooling the other person as you answer e-mails, read through mail, and shuffle papers, but believe me they can “feel” your presence or lack there of.

The solution: Be willing to have the integrity to admit you aren’t listening, and ask them to repeat what they just said. “Mary, I’m sorry. I got distracted and started reading an e-mail. I’m trying to end this habit by calling it out. Please forgive me. Would you repeat what you just said?” Believe me, Mary will be so impressed and I’ll guarantee you will start to change your habit.

You are boring

No one is going to say it, even if they think it. So what makes for an interesting versus boring person? Well, this list is a long one. Let’s look at some things folks might do to bore YOU, then see if any of these also apply to you.

• She talks about herself non-stop.
• He can’t tell a story in less than ten minutes with too many details to count.
• He is dogmatic, narrow minded and opinionated.
• She is negative Nelly.

The solution is about changing habits. Here are four places to start: ask a question, open your mind, be curious and say something positive.

You are undependable

This one can be shocking because you thought you were trustworthy. What makes someone see you as undependable is the following: You don’t return calls or e-mails, you change your appointment when something better comes along, or you forget an appointment altogether. You are always “too busy” and make lots of excuses as to why you can’t do what you say you want to do.

The solution is about awareness. Even if you can’t give an answer to a call or e-mail, simply tell the person you are swamped. Even if your response seems a bit abrupt it’s better than avoidance and can save you a relationship problem later on. Learn some time management skills, or better  yet practice saying a clean and clear “no.”  Do what you say you are going to do. Quit making excuses and simply do what you promised. Only change your schedule when absolutely necessary.

So, here’s the question: What do others know about you that you don’t know about yourself?

was first introduced to me in a college class where I learned about the Johari Window.

a cognitive psychological tool created by Joseph Luft and Harry Ingham, used to help people better understand their interpersonal communication and relationships. Here’s a link if you want to research this concept.

http://www.cps.usfca.edu/324sh/johari.htm

The Johari window helps us understand how we see ourselves in comparison to how others see us. Here’s the deal: Others may know things about you that you will NEVER know because they won’t have the guts to tell you. There are at least 5 things that others will never tell you about yourself. No one is ever going to say…

1. You have bad breath

2. You are a bad listener

3. You are boring

4. You are undependable

Bad Breath

When I worked in the factory I was very fond of a particular business unit manager, but I hated it when he came up to talk to me. He had the worst breath. There’s a difference between “garlic” breath and “need to floss” breath.

Everyone knew he needed to floss except for him! The solution to this one is easy. Ask a couple of trusted friends if you have bad breath, get regular dental cleanings, floss regularly and for goodness sakes, carry some breath mints after eating garlic.

You are a bad listener

Several bad habits come to mind, interruption, lack of eye contact, and distraction. Let’s take the phone for example. You may think you are fooling the other person as you answer e-mails, read through mail, and shuffle papers, but believe me they can “feel” your presence or lack there of.

The solution: Be willing to have the integrity to admit you aren’t listening, and ask them to repeat what they just said. “Mary, I’m sorry. I got distracted and started reading an e-mail. I’m trying to end this habit by calling it out. Please forgive me. Would you repeat what you just said?” Believe me, Mary will be so impressed and I’ll guarantee you will start to change your habit.

Maybe you text when you are on the phone or you read e-mails while talking to a colleague.

You are boring

So what makes for an interesting versus boring person? Well, this list is a long one. Let’s look at some things folks might do to bore you. She talks about herself non-stop. He can’t tell a story in less than ten minutes with too many details to count. He is dogmatic, narrow minded and opinionated. She is negative Nelly. The solutions are simple but not always easy to change habits. Her are four places to start:

ask a question, open your mind, be curious and be positive.

You are undependable

This one can be shocking because you thought you were trustworthy. What makes someone see you as undependable is the following: You don’t return calls or e-mails, you change your appointment when something better comes along, or you forget an appointment altogether. You are always “too busy” and make lots of excuses as to why you can’t do what you say you want to do. The solution is about awareness. Even if you can’t give an answer to a call or e-mail, simply tell the person you are swamped. Even this can save you a relationship problem later on. Learn some time management skills, and do what you say you are going to do. Quit making excuses and simply do what you promised. Only change your schedule when absolutely necessary.

So here’s the question: What is it that other know about you that you don’t know about yourself?

Four Ways To Stop the Drama at Work

Have you ever felt taken advantage of in the workplace? Your co-workers manipulate situations, do underhanded petty things, gossip and leave you out of conversations?  How do you get them to stop? There are four areas where you have a measure of control. To illustrate, read this true story about Miriam.

For several years Miriam, 52, has worked for a large corporation that has gone from a word processing department to a desktop publishing unit.  Although her coworkers are younger and have more seniority, Miriam has a degree in art and extensive graphic experience.  Miriam wants to retire with the company in six years but lately she feels like an outsider at work and she perceives this as a threat to her career.In her view, three of her coworkers are competitive and do underhanded things to get the “fun” jobs or the jobs that make them noticeable to management.  They withhold information, manipulate situations, steal ideas, or act helpless so that others will come to their aid and give them extra help. Miriam resents their skills at self-promotion and she finds it hard to sell herself, or to be taken seriously. She wants recognition for her work yet she finds it difficult to accept a compliment for fear of being perceived as haughty or ‘too proud.’ Miriam has tried on occasion to fit in with her coworkers by joking around but they act disgusted and make Miriam feel as though she has been inappropriate. When Miriam has tried to participate in the conversation she gets ignored and interrupted even to the point to where she has had to ask them to let her finish.  Miriam came to me for advice. She wanted to know how she could take charge of this situation.

There are four areas where Miriam has a measure of control: By exercising her choices, taking responsibility for her own career, changing her communication and becoming aware of the message she is sending.

CHOICES

None of us can control how coworkers act, but we can choose our reaction. Miriam must decide who she is (in the context of this situation) and continue to choose reactions that reflect confidence and centeredness.  When coworkers brag on themselves, rather than being envious or discounting them, she can agree with what is true and follow up with a question, “How did you do that?”   When we put ourselves in the position of believing we have all the confidence in the world, we’re not so hungry for the approval of others.  With this attitude and belief system in place, Miriam has more choices: to be come interested rather than envious, to become curious instead of competitive. With new choices comes the freedom to compliment her coworkers without discounting herself.

RESPONSIBILITY

It is your responsibility to take charge of your own promotion at work. Waiting for others to notice our attributes and talents is a poor way to gain personal power.  You can be ‘good’ in a closet and no one will ever know it.   Miriam can emphasize her background in graphic design and art by going to the library and brushing up on trends, and reporting the findings to her boss in an attitude of sharing knowledge. Instead of trying to compete with her coworkers and continue the cycle, Miriam can take credit for her ideas by telling the boss she would be glad to hold a session to teach some of her techniques and skills to her coworkers.  She might offer to train new hires or those that lag behind. She will be communicating that she is a team player and a leader.

COMMUNICATION

Communication is tricky-it’s more than mere words. Since Miriam feels rejected and distant it is most likely her communication is reflecting these emotions and perceptions, if not in her words or her tone, then perhaps in her body language.  One reason Miriam doesn’t receive support is because she communicates to her coworkers that she is uncomfortable with praise and doesn’t know how to react.  It’s best to acknowledge appreciation with a smile and a “thank you,” instead of arguing the point.  Rather than begging coworkers to let her finish her sentences, she can show her interest by asking open-ended questions. Miriam can monitor her communication to insure that the message received was the message intended.

AWARENESS

For every action, there is an equal and opposite reaction.  Without making assumptions it’s likely that there is a reason Miriam is being received the ways she is.  Let’s look at the reactions from her joking:  My question to Miriam:  “Are you interjecting sarcastic comments or trying to be subtle in letting them know you feel like an outsider? Are you rolling your eyes when you disagree with your coworkers?”  Miriam admitted she was a big eye-roller and it was an ah-ha moment. We can’t cure or change what we are unaware of.  Without self-awareness it’s difficult to choose differently, or change our communication. Self-awareness is the key that unlocks the door to taking charge.

To get more information about how to identify the drama, sign up for The Drama Stops Here.

US San Diego College Mistake Offers Spiritual Business Lesson

Disappointment always leads to drama, and drama always has a spiritual lesson to teach even in the business world.

Consider the big mistake US San Diego College made when they mistakenly told 28,000 students they had been accepted into their college.  OOPS.

Control Z! Control Z! Resend! (I can almost see the secretary trying to undo what had just been done.)

That’s one of the pitfalls of instant communication and instant gratification. Mistakes happen on a HUGE level.

Are we really ready for all that technology has to offer?

Only if we can learn and apply the many many spiritual business lessons.

1. With more choice comes more responsibility
2. Disappointments are largely due to expectations than reality
3. There are no guarantees
4. Forgiveness is the new stress management tool

With more choice comes more responsibility

In order to be ready for technology we have to become more responsible. It is clear to me we aren’t there yet. We have kids “sexting” each other, we have cyber-bullies and teens committing suicide. This is because we have not balanced choice with responsibility. We have to see any new choice (like the speed and convenience the Internet provides) like a teeter totter: With more choice you must apply equal amount of responsibility for all things to balance. Our kids are definitely not mature enough yet to handle all the choices, and I’m not so sure we adults are either.

Disappointments are from expectations not reality

I’ll never forget the time I thought I had a speaking engagement in the bag. An e-mail came to me that said, “Go right ahead and draw up the contract. It was close, but everyone agreed you are the one.” I had a moment of celebration then went to work.

Right before I started to draw up the agreement I got another message that said “resend.” I made a call and this is what I heard: “I’m sorry, I sent the e-mail to the wrong speaker. It was so close and I got confused.”

Here’s what I learned. Nothing really changed, I just had a fantasy about what was going to happen and then when the fantasy didn’t materialize I was upset. It was a good lesson that nothing is for certain.

There are no guarantees

Why can’t we learn this one? We get married and later are disappointed that there’s a divorce. We invest in the stock market and when it crashes we freak out.  We grow up and lose the youthful body and get wrinkles. Why do we forget that there are no guarantees…even if there’s a contract, a hand shake and a promise?  In the end if you can’t change what happened your best choice is to forgive.

Forgiveness is the next stress management tool

You can make yourself miserable, and you can talk about what shouldn’t have been done and you can find out who is wrong, but in the end it only prolongs your agony.  Even a five minute episode of recalling an angry experience suppresses the immune system for as much as six hours.

My guess is because we are moving at the speed of light, we will also have mistakes happening at the speed of light. They aren’t going to be little ones either. We are seeing evidence of that with the Wall Street fiasco. My bet is the best investment right now is in learning self-mastery skills such as communication, self-awareness and most of all forgiveness.

Four Ways to Confront Your Drama

Many “spiritualpreneurs”, solopreneurs, New Agers, (those who coach on spirituality or higher consciousness) avoid admitting they have drama, because they falsely believe they should already be “past all of this,” after all, they coach others.

Because of the work I do, I have heard the secrets that you will never hear in public. In addition, I’ve been there too, and I realize the danger of believing you are “above it all.”

Here are four truths to help you confront and even welcome your drama so you can “stop your drama” and move forward.

1. Drama is part of life.

2. Drama keeps you Real

3. Drama is a teacher

4. Overcoming Drama Leads to Freedom

Drama is a part of life.
The definition for drama is “any obstacle to your peace or prosperity.” Unless you are a guru living on a remote mountain spending all of your time in meditation you are going to have some drama here and there. Yes, there will be times when you are in the flow and you think you have it all figured out. You are making money, your relationships are rewarding and your health is excellent. Then something happens and you start to feel unstable. The downward spiral begins. The good thing is that a little drama reminds you of your humanity.

Drama Keeps You Real
When things are going well it’s easy to get “high and mighty.” I’m sure you’ve seen it. Someone of extraordinary status starts boasting, judging and advising, then something happens. The stock market crashes, they lose their business, their spouse leaves them. Instead of gloating, just remember that all of us eventually come face to face with drama. Going through it yourself keeps you real and helps you build your compassion muscle.

Drama is a Great Teacher
Most drama is in the mind. You feel inadequate so you exaggerate your income. You worry that others will judge you because you lost your biggest client. You have a nagging feeling that you are never going to succeed and you are ashamed of the way you look. Could it be there are hidden lessons on self-acceptance or authenticity? Maybe your drama is trying to teach you not to confuse where you are with who you are. Your drama always has rich learning points if you are willing to look inward.

Overcoming Drama Leads to Freedom
When I first started my journey I hated my background. I struggled with my identity for the first three or four years even though I was speaking professionally. Eventually, facing your fears leads to freedom. Here are two questions:

1. What are you hiding?

2. What are you afraid of?

Are you hiding a business or relationship failure? Are you afraid you are not really good enough? Are you afraid you’ll be seen as a fraud? Are you secretly afraid of rejection?

In the beginning, I was hiding parts of myself because I was afraid of the reactions and judgments I believed would happen. Most of it was in my mind.

The biggest fear most of us face is the fear of judgment. Judgment blocks prosperity and keeps you in a constant state of “mind drama.” Once you confront your drama you are free to speak authentically and free to be you.

The new Mastermind is forming, and we will be addressing these issues and more in the 8-step process. If you coach others, you may want to learn these methods as a compliment to the work you do. If you are a business owner, you can use these methods to stop the drama that’s hampering productivity and performance.

Staying Calm in the Storm: Using Declarations and Mantras to Reclaim Your Power

In times of trouble, the best way to stay in control is to master your mindset.  Staying calm is difficult when you are surrounded by negative news. Since March is officially “Stop Your Drama Month” here are some practical tips to reclaim your peace.

Become aware of the negative thoughts that surface. After your awareness you want to start reprogramming your brain to think differently.

One method is to use declarations with an anchoring step. Another method is using a mantra. Both are described below.

Using Declarations

A declaration is a statement that is emphatic and explicit (spoken or written). The idea is to use a declaration to think differently about yourself, so you feel empowered to act in a positive manner. Here are Some examples of declarations.

1. I am calm.

2. I am creative.

3. I am able to see the opportunity.

4. I am resourceful.

5. I am a problem solver.

Directions

1. Pick out a declaration to use for one week.

2. When you notice a negative thought, clasp your hands and say your declaration.

3. Immediately touch your head and repeat, “The Drama Stops Here.” This creates an “anchor.”

Mantras

Mantra: a commonly repeated word or phrase Another option for calming your mind is to select a mantra so you can relax and let your solutions come. Here are a three that have worked for me:

1. All my needs are met.

2. This too shall pass.

3. Comfort is not a requirement for my growth.

You are More than One Shapshot

This week I watched ABC reality show “True Beauty,”  a beauty contest with a twist: The contestants were being secretly watched and judged, not only on their physical beauty, but also on their inner beauty.

Each week the contestants had to complete tasks of physical fitness, photo shoots, and interviews, however there was always a hidden challenge.

For example on one particular interview the interviewer opened the opportunity for the interviewee to gossip about the other participants.

On an another assignment a waiter spilled drinks on the contestants and the camera zoomed in on their aggravation and disgust.

The judges sat in the secret room watching instant replays while talking about the contestant’s character, attitude, and inner beauty.

Week by week two people ended up in the “hall of beauty” to see who would get eliminated. The loser then got to see hidden film of their rude behavior, attitude problems, disrespect and other qualities that detract from inner beauty.

I know…a lot of people are going to judge me because of watching a reality show, but the REALITY is, there is a LOT to be learned about life and human nature if you watch from a different perspective.

For example, last night the three remaining contestants, all competing for the final prize of $100,000 and a chance to be positioned in People magazine, finally became aware of the hidden cameras.

They were invited into the secret room where they were shown excerpts of their behaviors, teamwork,  and relationship building skills throughout the course of the contest.

Joel, arguably the most physically fit and most passionate was disturbed at what he saw. After watching clips of himself being sarcastic, critical, disrespectful, and throwing his team members “under the bus” a couple of times, Joel said something quite profound: ” You can’t take a few snapshots of someone’s life and say that is the whole person.

Here’s what I would say to Joel if I was a judge:

So true Joel. But didn’t you do that when you told Chelsea, your fellow competitor “I don’t like you, so stay away from me.”  All Chelsea did to earn  your judgment was tell a joke that you didn’t think was funny. Did you take the time to understand her? Did you try to look at her as a many-faceted person before making your judgment of her worthiness?

Actually Joel’s words gave me something to think about.

Isn’t it true that all of us make judgments on one or two snapshots of a person? All of us are multi-faceted. We are more than our behaviors and more than our outer beauty.

This show was a lesson in Self-Mastery more than anything else. I really do believe we can learn from reality TV. I believe beauty is more than skin deep and I  believe we get what we put out there.