Stop Holiday Drama

I used to dread the holidays, and I also felt guilty because it was my secret. I thought I was the only one who felt this way.

Most people have mixed feelings during the holiday season. That’s because relationship challenges always come to the surface and magnify. This drama can be avoided if you know how to access the power of clarity.

Join me for this special edition of Attitude Builders absolutely free. The Attitude Builders membership is usually for members only, however this is my holiday gift to my friends, and subscribers.

In this  teleseminar I will share the very first step in the Stop Your Drama Methodology.  We’ll talk about how to get crystal clear, specific communication techniques to keep you in control, and I’ll even give you some tools to create the right mind set when dealing with difficult people or situations.

Join me by registering here.

Three Ways to Avoid Relationship Drama

Before you know it you get sucked in. You were misunderstood. It wasn’t even your issue and now because you got involved, you are the bad guy. If you want to avoid getting sucked into workplace drama here are three easy tips to keep you drama free.

1. Stand on the Bridge
2. Keep your two cents
3. Get curious

Stand on the bridge
This is one of my favorite exercises to help clients to detach from the heat of the moment. I wish I could claim it as my own, but it comes from author Gary Zukav.  Gary says that when you are pulled in by your emotions it is as if you are in the midst of a raging river. The water (representing your emotions) slap at your face and you feel as though you might get swept away. The next time you are aware enough to feel the heavy emotion threatening to suck you into the current, say to yourself,  “Stand on the bridge…stand on the bridge.”

Keep your two cents
You’ve heard the saying, “a penny saved is a penny earned.”  Earn your peace by saving your two cents. The next time someone invites you to give your opinion about some drama they are involved in, simply say, “I’m keeping my two cents to myself.”  It takes wisdom to realize that 90 percent of the time anyone who is venting and asking for your advice really just wants your support. You can lend support by acknowledging their feelings without offering council or playing referee.

Get curious
Instead of getting drawn into an argument, keep these questions in your back pocket:
1. What are your choices?
2. What if that wasn’t the case?
When you ask, “what are your choices,” the victim response is, “I don’t have any choices.”
If this is what you hear, just nod sympathetically. No advice and no getting sucked into a heavy current of emotion.
If you ask, “what if that wasn’t the case,” and they start an argument,  you know the drill. No advising or getting sucked in.

The reality is this: Awareness is the first step. Without awareness, a person cannot really choose, because responsibility is the RECOGNITION of choice. Until one recognizes his choices he is stuck into patterned responses driven by the subconscious mind.  If you continue to be drawn into any dysfunction including workplace or relationship drama, use these three methods to increase your own awareness and a more healthy relationships.

Three Times to Avoid Giving Advice

Nothing creates more drama than giving advice to someone who doesn’t want it or isn’t ready.  More drama happens when you feel such an urge to give advice that is not accepted or respected.  Before giving advice, consider your intentions and look at these three instances where it is best to avoid advice-giving altogether.

1. Never give advice to someone who is visibly angry.
Most of the time people just want agreement or social proof that they are right. Wait until they cool down and make sure they ask for your advice.

2. Never give advice to someone who is extremely happy
If someone is extremely happy with their new book, their new idea, or a new decision, now is not the time to give advice. Most likely they just want your admiration, respect or approval and they are not really open to your critique or suggestions.  Unless you are a paid coach, or are extremely good at asking questions wait until their energy is a little more even keel, otherwise you’ll just be known as the one who popped their bubble.

3. Never give fashion advice unless someone asks for it.
Fashion is a matter of opinion. What business is it of yours if someone wants to wear bleached blonde hair? Unless they bring it up, or unless you are their boss and their job is at stake, keep your opinions to yourself.

Much of the time people just want agreement or support, when they say they want your opinion or feedback. Understand the difference between opinions and advice. Most of the time we pass off our opinions as if it was sacred advice. When people need advice, they will ask for it or pay for it.  If you feel that you must give your unsolicited advice, at least warn the person by asking for permission, then they won’t be blindsided.

Most of the time advice-giving is nothing more than rescuing and manipulation. A good way to know if you have been rescuing is when someone has not taken  your advice and you get angry. It means you are more attached to the other person changing than they are.

Four Ways To Stop the Drama at Work

Have you ever felt taken advantage of in the workplace? Your co-workers manipulate situations, do underhanded petty things, gossip and leave you out of conversations?  How do you get them to stop? There are four areas where you have a measure of control. To illustrate, read this true story about Miriam.

For several years Miriam, 52, has worked for a large corporation that has gone from a word processing department to a desktop publishing unit.  Although her coworkers are younger and have more seniority, Miriam has a degree in art and extensive graphic experience.  Miriam wants to retire with the company in six years but lately she feels like an outsider at work and she perceives this as a threat to her career.In her view, three of her coworkers are competitive and do underhanded things to get the “fun” jobs or the jobs that make them noticeable to management.  They withhold information, manipulate situations, steal ideas, or act helpless so that others will come to their aid and give them extra help. Miriam resents their skills at self-promotion and she finds it hard to sell herself, or to be taken seriously. She wants recognition for her work yet she finds it difficult to accept a compliment for fear of being perceived as haughty or ‘too proud.’ Miriam has tried on occasion to fit in with her coworkers by joking around but they act disgusted and make Miriam feel as though she has been inappropriate. When Miriam has tried to participate in the conversation she gets ignored and interrupted even to the point to where she has had to ask them to let her finish.  Miriam came to me for advice. She wanted to know how she could take charge of this situation.

There are four areas where Miriam has a measure of control: By exercising her choices, taking responsibility for her own career, changing her communication and becoming aware of the message she is sending.

CHOICES

None of us can control how coworkers act, but we can choose our reaction. Miriam must decide who she is (in the context of this situation) and continue to choose reactions that reflect confidence and centeredness.  When coworkers brag on themselves, rather than being envious or discounting them, she can agree with what is true and follow up with a question, “How did you do that?”   When we put ourselves in the position of believing we have all the confidence in the world, we’re not so hungry for the approval of others.  With this attitude and belief system in place, Miriam has more choices: to be come interested rather than envious, to become curious instead of competitive. With new choices comes the freedom to compliment her coworkers without discounting herself.

RESPONSIBILITY

It is your responsibility to take charge of your own promotion at work. Waiting for others to notice our attributes and talents is a poor way to gain personal power.  You can be ‘good’ in a closet and no one will ever know it.   Miriam can emphasize her background in graphic design and art by going to the library and brushing up on trends, and reporting the findings to her boss in an attitude of sharing knowledge. Instead of trying to compete with her coworkers and continue the cycle, Miriam can take credit for her ideas by telling the boss she would be glad to hold a session to teach some of her techniques and skills to her coworkers.  She might offer to train new hires or those that lag behind. She will be communicating that she is a team player and a leader.

COMMUNICATION

Communication is tricky-it’s more than mere words. Since Miriam feels rejected and distant it is most likely her communication is reflecting these emotions and perceptions, if not in her words or her tone, then perhaps in her body language.  One reason Miriam doesn’t receive support is because she communicates to her coworkers that she is uncomfortable with praise and doesn’t know how to react.  It’s best to acknowledge appreciation with a smile and a “thank you,” instead of arguing the point.  Rather than begging coworkers to let her finish her sentences, she can show her interest by asking open-ended questions. Miriam can monitor her communication to insure that the message received was the message intended.

AWARENESS

For every action, there is an equal and opposite reaction.  Without making assumptions it’s likely that there is a reason Miriam is being received the ways she is.  Let’s look at the reactions from her joking:  My question to Miriam:  “Are you interjecting sarcastic comments or trying to be subtle in letting them know you feel like an outsider? Are you rolling your eyes when you disagree with your coworkers?”  Miriam admitted she was a big eye-roller and it was an ah-ha moment. We can’t cure or change what we are unaware of.  Without self-awareness it’s difficult to choose differently, or change our communication. Self-awareness is the key that unlocks the door to taking charge.

To get more information about how to identify the drama, sign up for The Drama Stops Here.

Gifts to Give in a Down Economy

Gary Zukav, author of Heart of the Soul, says,  “if you aren’t aware of your intentions before an interaction, you will be aware of them afterward.” I’m paraphrasing, but think I got the essence.

I can think of no better time to talk about awareness of intention than right now on Valentine’s day.

Sometimes when we give a gift, we do so to get something in return.

We get approval.
we get a surprise.
We get a smile.
We get love.
We get a gift in return.

Sometimes we are unaware of our hidden motives for giving gifts.
A friend of mine (a young at heart grandmother) learned this lesson the hard way.

Grandma always showered her granddaughter Britney with gifts on her birthday. On Brittney’s sixth she opened a gift from Grandma only to exclaim, “I already have that!”

This caused DRAMA for Grandma.  Grandma was

• Hurt because her gift was not appreciated
• Angry because she was not acknowledged
• Disappointed because she did not get the reaction she wanted

In addition Grandma adopted a judgmental stance: “Britney should be taught to appreciate what ever is given to her.”

Can you see how hidden agendas eventually surface?
When we give a gift and are disappointed at the response it means there was a “need” attached to the gift.

This Valentines day  why not give priceless gifts with no attachment?

• The gift of attention
• The gift of listening
• The gift of appreciation

Most of the time those you love want your presence, not your presents.

When we feel unworthy we often use gifts as a way to manipulate and control instead of honoring the person with the greatest gifts that are priceless.

Do You Value Your Greatest Assets?

I just met an inspiring young entrepreneur and his wife for lunch.  I love it that I can learn so many things from those much younger than me.

What I learned is that we so often miss our priorities and we don’t value that which is our greatest asset. This is as true in the corporate world as it is in our home lives.

You know how in the workplace they always say, “Employees are our greatest asset” but then when times get tough you see a different commitment?

Isn’t it true that in life our families and spouses can also be our biggest asset, yet we totally take them for granted?

I want to share what Chase Barfield, founder of BarfieldManagement.com says about the value of teamwork and seeing your spouse as part of the team. Click here to see the article.

This article will help you if you are a business owner or entrepreneur and will add meaning to your relationships.

Drama Signs: How to Spot the Red Flags

If only I had a sign I would know what to do. If you’ve ever said this while battling a state of confusion, let me tell you that the signs are all around you. Be thankful for the discomfort because if you notice it, it’s speaking to you.

Otherwise you are like the frog who gets boiled to death because the discomfort crept up on you at such a slow pace you failed to notice.Here are four ways drama shows up in various areas of life.

1. Relationships
2. Workplace
3. Health
4. Clutter

Relationship drama

The reason so many people are surprised when they get divorced is because they didn’t read the signs. They slowly started taking each other for granted, failing to be polite, take each other into consideration until the small trespasses become incivility such as eye rolling, voice raising and down right rudeness all the way to separate lives. The same is true in the workplace.

Workplace

It starts out as gossip, then complaining, to backstabbing to full blown negativity resulting in turnover and absenteeism. When you gripe about your boss, spend time at the water cooler talking about how unfair the new vacation policy is, you only add to the drama. Find a way to change it or accept it, anything else is just drama.

Health

First you skip a day at the gym. Then you have the second helping. Then it’s Ok to occasionally eat a handful of chips while watching the nightly news. Eventually exercise is the exception rather than the rule and second helpings have turned into thirds. Your pantry is full of fattening snacks for your evening television habit. Fast forward three years and you are 20 lbs overweight with high cholesterol. Set up a system of checks and balances so that your habits remain  your servant instead of your master.

Clutter

You feel overwhelmed so you leave the dishes in the sink. You’ll get the mail opened next week. You’ll get to that stack of magazines, or maybe you just need to cancel the subscription. Procrastination leads to clutter and clutter leads to feelings of overwhelm. It’s a vicious drama-producing cycle.

So…look for the signs all around you. You can look for evidence of success or evidence of drama.
The choice is yours. Get my free audio Reclaim Your Power to Create.