Five Questions to Help You Release Resistance

I often talk about releasing resistance as part 7 of my Stop Your Drama Methodology. So, what is resistance? It is the non acceptance of what is.

Resistance shows up in complaints, excuses and regrets,  not to mention mind drama. You can hear resistance when someone says, “yes but…” or when someone talks about what “should” have happened or how life is not fair.  Much of the time resistance is a reaction to unwanted change or to the perception of losing control.

Even with this  checklist, resistance is still very difficult to recognize.

Most of us are totally unaware of getting trapped in resistance patterns because it’s so natural. Even when opportunities come or good things happen we often resist.

Here’s an example. I had a national speaking engagement and was set up for about 40 people; however my topic was apparently of interest to about 120 people.

Once the meeting planner saw that the room was over-flowing, without giving me much notice, he announced, “We are changing your session to meet in the big ball room.”

My immediate reaction was resistance:  “No! We can just move extra chairs in here.”

“There’s not enough room,” he said as he grabbed my computer and headed out the hall and down the elevator.

My resistant thought patterns were

• But…I have done so much work and now it’s for nothing
• I won’t be able to do the games and interactions in a big room
• We should just stick to the plans
• I didn’t prepare for a general session (in other words, it’s not fair to change things without lots of notice.)

As you can see, I was trapped into resistance because I was so attached to the picture I had in my mind. I was also attached to all the hard work of setting up a room for a mini-workshop and immediately I had to switch my mind to general session.

For people who are not speakers, there is a big difference in the delivery of a general session versus a breakout session.

Then, I realized the gift I was being given. I was attracting triple the number of audience members, yet my initial reaction was one of resistance.

Here is a checklist to help you recognize resistance.

1. How often do you shoot down an idea with the word, “but”
2. What are you so attached to that you fail to see opportunities?
3. What could be good about the changes you are facing?
4. Are you willing to be flexible to work as a team?
5. What do you have to do to enable yourself to see the good even in the chaos of unexpected change?

Snapshot of Resistance

The word “Resistance” is new in the business world.  The definition I use is any negativity or “non-acceptance of what is.”   Here’s an easy visual. Feel free to share it with your team, your boss and your associates.

You and your team are in a rowboat productively rowing to the island called profits. Then, the boat springs a leak.

Rower #1 says, “Who’se fault is it anyway?”

Rower #2 says, “I knew this would happen! This sucks!”

Rower #3 says, “I fixed it last time and I’m not doing it this time.”

Rower #4 says, “It is your fault, Rower #2. I warned you to check out the boat.”

Rower #2 says, “Yes, and I told you that you chose the wrong boat maker to begin with.”

Rower #3 says, “I’m stupid to trust any of you to do what you are supposed to do.”

Rower #1 says, “You are all idiots and this is not fair, but let me fix it anyway.

Then Rower #1 thinks says secretly to himself, “I will fix it but I will never help again. I am not willing to row any harder, I am not willing to give any second chances and I have a right to feel how I feel.

This is resistance.  Productivity is lost. Tempers flair. Fingers point. Instead of plugging the leak, pitching in, working as a team, and looking at the systems, resistance got the best of the rowers. Is resistance getting the best of you? Where would you be without your drama?

Join me for the Release Resistance Training at www.stopyourdrama.us.

Increase Productivity by Releasing Resistance

You’ve surely felt it before.
Your clients resist purchasing.
You employees resist your leadership.
Your spouse resists your ideas.

Maybe you even resist a few things.
You resist looking at your numbers.
You resist looking at the Employee drama,
or you resist dealing with an irritable client.

What causes resistance?

Fear, disagreement, lack of understanding
and navigating through change.

Perhaps you “feel” the resistance in our world
right now because of the massive changes and fears.

Resistance always creates high stress and “DRAMA”
which is what I define as an obstacle to your
peace and prosperity.

The end result of resistance is
feeling stuck, increased negativity,
exhaustion, overwork, anxiety, and
lower productivity.

Whether you are a leader trying to
influence your staff, or sales professional
offering new services to your client,
you must know how to identify resistance
so you can “release the resistance”
and navigate through the change.

Many try will-power, behavioral solutions,
and disciplined approaches, only to have a
very short-term fix, leading to anxiety or
even disappointment.

The solution is secondary

Yes, the solution is always secondary to the emotional
and mental energy issues taking place during a period
of resistance.

There is one mind-set that must be activated
before change can take place. You must get
to what I call “The fulcrum point of change.”

For the first time, I’m offering a
two-part webinar on how to “Release Resistance”
and how to tap into the fulcrum point of change.

http://www.stopyourdrama.us

This may be one of the most important personal
and professional development tools you will ever
acquire. The knowledge you take from this
content-packed program can be used in your
personal and your professional life.

Who Should Attend?

*You are successful but want to maximize your energy
*You are ready to reinvent in some area of your business
*You want new methods to increase sales
*You enjoy learning cutting edge information
*You are comfortable exploring new methodologies
*You sometimes struggle with low energy and feel “tapped out”
*You are in the midst of a “power struggle” at home or at work
*You want to boost your confidence and self-esteem
*You want your relationships and communication to improve
*Ready for a challenge and a change

To see more about this program please go to this link.

http://www.stopyourdrama.us

Or you can download the audio (it’s 4 minutes long) about the program here.

Prescription to Relieve the Pain of Failure

Take 2 Tsp of resentment and equal parts justification.

Find someone to blame for your situation.

Tell your story to someone who will readily agree.

Relief should happen immediately.

Symptoms of taking this drug include the tendency to always be right, the need to repeat the story to others,
being seen as a bore, relationship problems and trouble on the job.

If you experience any of the above symptoms go to http://www.stopyourdrama.com and take a dose of personal responsibility.

Warning: The taste can be quite bitter, and may be difficult to swallow, but taking a daily dose of personal responsibility will cure chronic addiction to the blame elixer and will eliminate the need to blame or tell stories.

Two Big Productivity Killers

The biggest roadblock to productivity is what I call “resistance.” Resistance is some form of negativity…a non acceptance of what is. Resistance shows up in various ways, but the easiest to spot in the world of business is complaining and judgment.

Complaining is a verbal resistance to a future event or a past occurrence.  Judgment is the negative thought pattern about what should or should not be.

Complaining and judgment are obstacles to productivity because, instead of doing the one or two things you could actually do to solve the problem, serve the customer, or fix the mistake, time is wasted complaining about what who is wrong, what someone should have done and what you didn’t like about something or someone.

Judgment and complaining are time wasters that shift your focus in the wrong direction.

Why People Judge and Complain

So then, why do we judge and complain? We do it to lessen the pain and discomfort that taking responsibility requires of us. To be responsible means to look at the part you played. You didn’t explain your expectations thoroughly, you didn’t confront the problem when it was small, you didn’t speak your truth, you didn’t do a good job leading.

It’s just easier to complain about how inefficient your assistant is, or to judge them for not having the skills you thought they had.

Complaining and judging does nothing to solve your problem but it does make you feel better about yourself. It’s the most acceptable way of going into denial. Here’s an easy visual to bring this issue to light:  Your boat springs a leak, so you take a shot of whiskey and beat your rowing team with your oar. Then you go find someone who will agree with you that you did the right thing. (You vent to other leaders who have the same problems and you conclude that it’s just darn hard to get good help.)

“They” should have checked out the boat maker, they should have avoided the rock. Now you have a reason why you didn’t get to your island, and that reason feels better than to say you didn’t delegate properly and you didn’t provide training or you didn’t do a good job leading.

Your anger and denial does nothing to actually help the situation. You still have a leak in the boat, and you still have incompetent rowers, and that is why complaining and judgment hampers productivity.

It’s Not About the Solution

No matter what your problem, it’s never really about the solution… at first. That’s why I won’t be disappointed with you when you don’t take my advice, or when you do take my advice and it doesn’t work for you.

Haven’t you ever wondered why there are so many people who keep paying for coaching, going to workshops, seeking answers only to be stranded on the same island they started on?

When someone offers up a solution to you and it doesn’t work, it’s not because the solution isn’t a good one, it’s because on some level you are not clear that you agree. Or you are not clear that you really want the solutions say you want.

(I know because I’ve bought many template or blueprint programs only to become disinterested once the purchase was made.)

I see many consultants and coaches getting stressed because they don’t understand that it isn’t really about their solution. It is not really about convincing the client to actually implement advice they paid for.

It’s easy to make the assumption that just because someone paid for our advice there is no resistance. You make their resistance worse if you get too attached to them taking your advice. It becomes YOUR goal instead of THEIR goal.

When you get attached to someone else’s outcome, it’s only because you have a judgment about what they SHOULD be doing because your own ego is attached.

If there’s resistance on the part of the client, that resistance needs to be drilled down until you find willingness.

In part 7 of my Stop Your Drama Methodology I call willingness “The Fulcrum Point of Change.” Until there is willingness, nothing else happens, even if you give them the blueprint and weekly consulting.

Let’s face it, if it was all about the “how to” all the world’s problems could be solved at the public library and an accountability partner. Look at all the books out there on making money, finding love, building a business and losing weight.

The “how to” is already in place. What is not in place is clarity. When you get clear about who you are and what you want, you will get it.

If you are not clear about who you are and what you want you will learn through contrast. Another name for contrast is “pain.” You will discover that which you don’t want and then from that place you will eventually find your clarity.

The clarity may be to move forward and take the consultant’s advice. The clarity may be to reject the advice and move in a different direction.

The good news is clarity always comes.

What are You Waiting For?

I wonder if the recession could take a dramatic shift if all at once everyone just decided to quit waiting?

Waiting for the recession to end.
Waiting for Obama to do something.
Waiting for congress to approve something.
Waiting for the client to say “yes.”
Waiting for the boss to make a decision.
Waiting for others to understand.
Waiting until someone approves.
Waiting for agreement.
Waiting for the budget to change.

The reason I am so aware of this is from listening. I have been realizing that this is the biggest wake up call we have ever had and so many of us are still asleep at the wheel just WAITING for the alarm to go off.

I have been speaking about my Stop Your Drama Signature Process, which is all about reinventing, realigning and rejuvenating your business.

So many people have said they felt energized and they want more. They feel like it would be helpful for their workplace to hear the message.

But it stops right there at one or more stop signs:

There is no way the boss would agree to a program right now.
There isn’t any budget.
I’ll see what everyone else thinks.

In contrast I had a corporate client (a manager) say she is doing something innovative and getting together with another manager to “joint venture” so their staffs can have the program.

Another group is having a “grass roots” event in their home because they think their clients would benefit. That is the example of what it means to be a creator (step 8 in the signature process.)

It’s not about me selling my stuff.  Use any example and you will see that many of us live from the space of WAITING for someone else to take the lead. We have forgotten our power to create.

If  you want to reclaim your power it only takes a mental shift and think like an entrepreneur. It’s time to see the opportunity. It’s time to reinvent, realign and rejuvenate!

You have to see yourself as the door and the key.

Staying Calm in the Storm: Using Declarations and Mantras to Reclaim Your Power

In times of trouble, the best way to stay in control is to master your mindset.  Staying calm is difficult when you are surrounded by negative news. Since March is officially “Stop Your Drama Month” here are some practical tips to reclaim your peace.

Become aware of the negative thoughts that surface. After your awareness you want to start reprogramming your brain to think differently.

One method is to use declarations with an anchoring step. Another method is using a mantra. Both are described below.

Using Declarations

A declaration is a statement that is emphatic and explicit (spoken or written). The idea is to use a declaration to think differently about yourself, so you feel empowered to act in a positive manner. Here are Some examples of declarations.

1. I am calm.

2. I am creative.

3. I am able to see the opportunity.

4. I am resourceful.

5. I am a problem solver.

Directions

1. Pick out a declaration to use for one week.

2. When you notice a negative thought, clasp your hands and say your declaration.

3. Immediately touch your head and repeat, “The Drama Stops Here.” This creates an “anchor.”

Mantras

Mantra: a commonly repeated word or phrase Another option for calming your mind is to select a mantra so you can relax and let your solutions come. Here are a three that have worked for me:

1. All my needs are met.

2. This too shall pass.

3. Comfort is not a requirement for my growth.

Don’t Confuse Where You Are With Who You Are

The economy is bad.

You didn’t make enough money last year.

This  year isn’t looking much better.

How will you get clients?

You feel insecure; uncertain.

You wonder if you have what it takes.

DRAMA is any obstacle to your peace and prosperity.  When your thinking or your circumstances become your drama, it is time to CLEAR THE FOG and reinvent.
Reinvention can take the form of an action, a mental shift, an attitude, a decision or a physical transformation.

I want to encourage you to reinvent your identity.

Reinvent Your Identity
One of my favorite authors, Eckhart Tolle says that what you identify with will eventually cause you pain. Do you identify yourself as a business owner; as one who has a lot of money, as a mother, or as beautiful?

Don’t confuse WHERE You are, with WHO you are.

So you feel insecure. So your check book isn’t what you think it should be.  Don’t be tempted to start making up stories about yourself or using the economy to make excuses not to be successful.

Beating yourself up or blaming circumstances is the unconscious path of least resistance.  LIVE above the LINE of blame and resentment and make a conscious choice that you will not define yourself by your mistakes, your learning curve or your circumstances.

When you start to drift into the fog and the murky waters of head drama, take charge immediately. I have a few mantras I have created for you.

• I am not my drama
• This is just WHERE I am, not WHO I am
• This too shall pass
• I’m  smart, I’ll figure it out

As T Harv. Eker says in his book, The Millionaire Mind,

Rich people are bigger than their problems.
Poor people are smaller than their problems.

Tell yourself the truth. You are a creator.  Creators are resourceful, they ask for help, they are innovative. Creators don’t blame the economy nor do they “wait on the economy” to get better before they act. Creators find a way to learn from the mistakes and circumstances and the result is growth.

You are always bigger than your problems. You will take full responsibility for your situation and one day you will be able to use this experience to help someone else who also needs to be reminded that where you are is not who you are.

The Drama Happens:Your Drama Teaches

You teach what you need to learn.

That thought gave me comfort after a technical glitch I encountered during one of my Signature Series Tele-seminars.

Yep…I punched the wrong button and muted myself.

After all the work to write the copy, prepare for the program, invite the guests, only to disappoint.

The Drama happens, but YOUR DRAMA is always a teacher.  Here are four things I had the opportunity to learn because of my mistake!

1. The Drama happens
2. Your Drama is your teacher
3. Building relationships requires risk
4. In the end it’s all about trust

The Drama Happens
You’ve heard me say “The Drama” is what happens in the gap.  Any time you are working on a goal you have a gap…where you are versus where you want to be.

Things often go wrong in the gap. Your boat springs a leak. You get stuck on the rock. (You plan on hosting a tele-seminar but you screw up. You lose the call or press the wrong button. ) It is what it is. The problem is when you create resistance for yourself in the gap. When you are fortunate enough to notice the resistance you can still benefit from “The Drama” because you now have a teacher.

Your Drama is Your Teacher
There’s a difference between “The Drama” and “Your Drama.”  “The Drama” is the unwanted  situation, “Your Drama” is your reaction to the unwanted situation.  Eckhart Tolle (one of my favorite authors) says if you want to know how conscious you are, look at how you react when things don’t go  your way.

Ouch! I have to admit I was mad at myself.  I had a “drama” reaction. (It wasn’t really that big, and it only lasted three minutes.)  I was able to give my listeners the recording but nonetheless, I did experience a fair amount of resistance. I didn’t like the idea of my listeners see me make a big mistake, even if the call was a freebie. I pride myself on “delivering” and being professional.  I also pride myself on being able to be authentic in relationships so this leads to my next point.

Building Relationships Require Risk
You have to let people in if you want a real relationship.  You have to be willing to be human; to make mistakes and to tell the truth instead of blame your mistakes on something else when it really was your fault. (I so wanted to find someone or SOMETHING to blame,) but not this time. I knew it was me.

If you want others to trust you, you have to be willing to own your good, your bad and your ugly. You have to let people who view you as “the teacher” see that you still have lessons to learn too.

In fact, if you are really really really teaching you will find that you teach what you need to learn and life gives you the opportunity to own it if you are willing to trust.

In the End, it’s all About Trust
If you are willing to trust that everything happens, happens for your good, you can immediately release resistance. If you trust your clients and do right by them, they also will stand by you. Perhaps that’s why I had so many who had signed up for the call give me a note of thanks to get the link. And, perhaps the relationship and trust is the reason so many of my callers were holding out and hanging on a dead mute line for over 23 minutes.

I’m grateful for life’s lessons and the community of friends and clients who are living and learning the SYD Methodology.