Eleven Reasons You Aren’t Getting What You Want

Sometimes you just don’t get what you want. Even if you are an action taker, sometimes you feel stuck in the gap. The gap is the distance between where you are and where you want to go. There are a lot of theories on why people don’t get what they say they want. Here are 11 observations. See if any of these resonate and give me your own observations.

1. You don’t really know what you want.

2. You know what you want but you don’t believe it’s possible.

3. You don’t know what is required to get where you want to go.

4. You are not willing to do what is required.

5. You are not willing to ask for help.

6. You keep asking for approval instead of owning what you want.

7. You are not telling the truth about what you really want.

8. You are more committed to something else rather than your goal.

9. Old programming keeps you operating from your subconscious mind.

10. You do get what you want but you never celebrate or recognize it so you don’t get to experience the joy of success.

11. Your expectations are unrealistic given your skills, resources and time available.
(see #3)

What habits to do you see that keep people from getting what they want?

Want Clarity,Connection and Truth? Move Energy

Drama is any obstacle to your peace or prosperity. Drama manifests as overwhelm, worry about finances, disconnection, and looking for “the answer” outside of yourself.

Most interesting is the non-physical components of drama which includes the mental, physical, and spiritual energy as well the relationship component: (How you view yourself and how you view others.)

Losing Joy, Clarity, Connection and Truth

When drama is present you always lose  joy, clarity, connection and truth. For example, isn’t it true that you lose joy when you watch way too much TV? The stock market is crashing, people are losing their jobs, relief is no where in sight.

Too much media has you believing you are not enough. You need plastic surgery to keep your youthful appearance.You need to be skinny to be acceptable. Your breath is bad, your arm pits stink, and when all else fails just get some Viagra. (Well…OK, maybe some TV is necessary.) ha ha.

Too much time on the Internet influences you to believe in ideologies not grounded in whole truth. For example, many on the Internet would have you equate spirituality with being a millionaire. (If you aren’t making it big, it must be your belief system or your level of consciousness.) Instead of “rightfully dividing” truth it’s easy to get sucked into half truths and assumptions.

When priorities are out of order you will see an imbalance that looks more like an addiction than a work ethic.  Such is the constant striving to bring in  high six figures and seven figures,  promises to finally give you more freedom, more time, and luxurious lifestyle you really deserve.

The reality is more time is consumed and more individuals  are bleeding money trying to figure it all out, suffering,  losing their  purpose, comparing themselves to others, and losing connection with what is really important to them.

If any part of this resonates with you, here are four tips to help you move energy.

1. Make Relationships a priority

2. Unplug

3. Create Rituals

4. Lighten Up

Make Relationships a Priority

After surveying hundreds of professionals, the the results show that 75 percent of us believe heaven on earth means more time with friends and family. Relationship are one of the greatest sources of energy renewal. The same is true at work. If you are a boss and you want higher productivity, focus on building a great relationship with your staff. High productivity is correlated with good boss-employee relationships.

Click here to see how you can build better relationships and motivate your staff

Unplug

According to Jim Loehr and Tony Schwartz, authors of “The Power of Full Engagement,” too much TV watching correlates with anxiety and low level depression. In addition, too much virtual reality via the Internet is a big time waster. Take one full day off from the computer and the TV and see how much time you really have. You won’t believe how much clarity comes once you unplug and opt for present reality over the virtual kind, which leads to my next point, create rituals.

Create Rituals

Rituals free up your energy because once you get into a positive habit (think teeth brushing, and morning exercise) you no longer have to think about it. For example, what if  on the first Friday of every month you meet with friends for dinner and conversation. No planning necessary…it’s a ritual.  Consider the idea that on either Saturday or Sunday you keep the computer off and instead journal and meditate. Now you don’t have to spend mental energy “deciding” how to use your time.  HINT: If you find it difficult to keep the computer or TV off for a whole day it’s likely you are addicted. (If that statement made you feel defensive, there’s another red flag of addiction.)

Lighten Up

Have you become so intense on making your mark in the world, meeting other people’s needs, or struggling to survive to the extent that you have forgotten how to laugh? Have some fun, do something crazy. Don’t take yourself so seriously. Self-absorption drains energy and prevents you from taking positive responsible action.

Now that you’ve moved some energy, don’t you feel better? Let me know your successes!

Do You Value Your Greatest Assets?

I just met an inspiring young entrepreneur and his wife for lunch.  I love it that I can learn so many things from those much younger than me.

What I learned is that we so often miss our priorities and we don’t value that which is our greatest asset. This is as true in the corporate world as it is in our home lives.

You know how in the workplace they always say, “Employees are our greatest asset” but then when times get tough you see a different commitment?

Isn’t it true that in life our families and spouses can also be our biggest asset, yet we totally take them for granted?

I want to share what Chase Barfield, founder of BarfieldManagement.com says about the value of teamwork and seeing your spouse as part of the team. Click here to see the article.

This article will help you if you are a business owner or entrepreneur and will add meaning to your relationships.

What to Do When You Are Out of the Flow

I often talk about “reading the signs” and what I mean by that is not “woo woo” but about increased levels of awareness. With increased levels of awareness or (consciousness) you can make simple shifts to bring you more into that good feeling flow.

Recently I’ve been hearing a lot of themes emerging from those who feel out of sync…out of the flow…a bit hopeless or depressed.

I even found myself feeling that way recently and was surprised at an old pattern resurfacing. I thought I had mastered the “inner game.”

After all, in the end it’s all about alignment; your inner game and feeling of connectedness.

I’ve “read the signs” for myself about WHY I get out of the flow and thought these five signs might be of help to you too.
1. I’m  not telling myself the complete truth
2. I’m not meeting my basic needs
3. I have traded “virtual” reality for “physical reality.”
4. My attitude has slipped into negativity
5. My habits are becoming my master instead of my servant

Telling the truth

It’s so easy to put a smiley face on an empty gas tank.  I think most of us are afraid to tell ourselves the truth when we feel lousy, but staying in denial only prolongs it.  When you feel bad, just admit it and go right to non-resistance. Then  you open the “portal” for change.

Meeting basic needs

When I skip sleep, exercise or good nutrition, it’s just a matter of time before I start feeling a little disconnected.  The biggest victim story that I hear over and over is “I don’t have time.”  I used to “lie” to myself about that too.  Now I know what Stephen Covey (7 Habits of Highly Effective People) says is true: It’s about sharpening the saw. To skip out on “sawing logs” will have you sawing logs with a rusty dull saw.

Virtual reality versus physical reality

I love the Internet and the connections and friends I make on Face Book, Ning, and WordPress but when I forget to get out there in public and mix and mingle, or even call a friend on the phone I get completely out of touch with life.  When I’m feeling depressed I always cheer up to go to a networking meeting or social event.

Attitude

What you think about expands. Attitude is everything but trust me, you simply can’t keep your attitude in check when you are exhausted and your body is full of fat and sugar.  When the little gremlins start taking over the conversation in your head, go backwards and see if you have made the errors already talked about in the previous steps:  You aren’t being honest about  your situation, you are  not meeting your basic needs and you are addicted to your computer and sacrificing your physical, real-life relationships.

Habits: Master or Servant

I can just visualize it…your five year old comes and says “let’s Play” and you say, “be quiet, I’m trying to build relationships…”  Why do we forget that technology should be our servant instead of our master?

I’m as guilty as the next person. There’s always one more thing to learn. There’s Twitter, Squidoo, Animoto, Mind Movies, Face Book, Ning and the list continues to grow. Let’s face it we will never keep up with all of it.  Learning is fun but when it becomes a compulsion it’s a problem.

In the end it’s all about the inner game and we teach what we need to learn.  Living the “Stop  Your Drama” methodology keeps me honest and in alignment.

Master Key Mind Basics to Eliminate Suffering

Many people are suffering right now due to the market volatility, unemployment and apparent lack of stability. This suffering manifests in mind patters of worry and anxiety that builds deep grooves in the brain until a new pathway is built into the brain that has you repeating thoughts of doom and gloom.  The more you focus on the problems the more real you make them and the more you trigger toxic chemicals that flow into your blood stream harming your physical health some three months or three years later.  If you want to stop the MIND DRAMA here are three steps.

1. Get control of your body

2. Get control of the mind

3. Visualize

Get control of the body

Until you can make yourself become still you cannot learn to control your mind. Therefore it is imperative that you create a discipline for yourself so you start to understand that you are in charge.  This is the most difficult step for most people because they want a quick fix. They want to “do” something and just getting control of the body is not only boring, it seems like a waste of time. This tip comes from the book, “The Master Key System,” and I quote the exact paragraph for instruction of taking charge of the mind.

“Now make the application: Select a room where you can be alone and undisturbed; sit erect, comfortably but do not lounge; let your thoughts roam where they will but be perfectly still for from fifteen minutes to half an hour; continue this for three or four days or a for a week until you secure full control of your physical being. Many will find this difficult; others will conquer with ease, but it is absolutely essential to secure complete control of the body before you are ready to progress.”

I started this process and have had amazing results. Just the discipline of getting quiet and knowing that I can trust myself to take charge has created a new confidence in my abilities. Instead of feeling like a victim of circumstances you begin to feel empowered and in charge.

Get Control of Your Mind

One of my favorite quotes in the Master Key System is “Therefore to control thought is to control circumstances, conditions, environment and destiny.” Most of us know nothing about controlling our thoughts.  Our thoughts are habitual patterns that we repeat over and over. Scientists tell us that we think about 60,000 thoughts per day and over 85 % of those thoughts are repetitive. This is because most of our thinking is due to our subconscious mind that never questions anything but will believe anything we feed it. The way we create habits is by repeating something over and over; therefore the subconscious mind is the seat of habit. If you want to change a habit, you have to “reprogram” the thought in the subconscious mind.

Once you have good habits programmed, your life becomes so much easier because your thinking supports you rather than keeps you in fear and anxiety.

Let’s look at how creating good habits free you from having to think consciously. When you first learned to drive you had to think consciously about how to accelerate, how to focus and how to make a turn. After practicing for several months, driving became automatic and ruled by your subconscious. If you created good driving habits you automatically drive safely.  If you developed bad habits such as running red lights when no one is looking, talking on the cell phone etc. what you do is set yourself up for a problem later on.

The point here is that what ever thoughts are running in the background of your mind are habits that have been developed over time until they became unconscious and habitual. For example  your parents told you to believe certain things and since you didn’t question these beliefs, mind pathways were “grooved” into your brain and became habitual and unconscious.  In order to get control of your mind you must use your conscious mind to make the change until your new thought is ingrained and habitual.

Now you know why you must first get control of the body and get still. When you are on automatic pilot you aren’t able to use the energy of your conscious mind to make the needed change. When you master your mind, you are using your conscious mind to create new mind patters that will replace the old patterns.

The Master Key System explains this second part in detail. “Always take the same room, the same chair and the same position if possible. Now be perfectly still as before, but inhibit all thought; this will give you control over all thoughts of care, worry and fear, and will enable you to entertain only the kind of thoughts you desire. Continue this exercise until you gain complete mastery.  You will not be able to do this for more than a few moments at a time, but the exercise is valuable, because it will be a very practical demonstration of the great number of thoughts which are constantly trying to gain access to your mental world.

Visualize

When you were a kid you used visualization all the time. You pretended to be a pirate or a fairy or you dreamed of the bike you wanted for Christmas. As adults we visualize all the time too but most of the pictures we visualize are of unwanted outcomes or fear of failure. Again, most of our visualization is habitual and from the subconscious mind rather than a conscious effort. There is a difference though in mindless daydreaming and focused visualization.

Focused visualization is where you become the “captain of your ship”  as you head to the island of  your dreams. You consciously think about an intended outcome and focus consciously on the object of your desire until that picture creates a groove in your brain…that vision becomes habitual. What you want to do here is change your negative habits that were created unconsciously, with a positive outcome that you have consciously created.

The Master Key system gives some instruction on how to master the art of visualization. “For your exercise this week, visualize your friend, see him exactly as you last saw him, see the room, the furniture, recall the conversation now see his face. See it distinctly. Now talk to him about some subject of mutual interest; see his expression change, watch hi smile. Can you do this? All right, you can; then arouse his interest. Tell him a story of an adventure, see his eyes light up with the spirit of fun or excitement. Can you do this? If so your imagination is good and you are making excellent progress.

Once you are able to do these three steps you have the foundation to start changing any circumstance in your life. When you are ready to stop the drama and take full responsibility you will make the time and the effort necessary to stop shoveling coal in the boiler room and become the captain of your ship.

Register to get the bi-monthly ezine “The Drama Stops Here.”

If you are a manager and need to motivate employees through these tough times click here.

How to Stay Happy in a Bad Economy

Marci Shimoff

By Marci Shimoff

How can I be happy when my home is losing its value, my 401k is going down, and the price of everything else is going up?

That’s a question I hear a lot lately. It seems that as the economy becomes more depressed, so do we.

So what can you do about it? How can you build your happiness bank account amidst tough economic times?

Top happiness researcher Robert Biswas-Diener shared some new insights with me during a recent conversation. While writing Happy for No Reason, I often called upon Robert for his expertise. Known as the “Indiana Jones of positive psychology,” his research has taken him to the far corners of the earth — from the Masai in Africa to seal hunters in Greenland to the poor in Calcutta.

Robert and his father, Ed Diener, one of the preeminent scholars in the field of positive psychology, maintain in their wonderful new book, Happiness: Unlocking the Mysteries of Psychological Wealth, that our net worth is comprised of much more than our bank accounts. It includes our psychological wealth, our spiritual connection, our health, and the quality of our social networks.

One surprising finding of Robert’s research is that the homeless in Calcutta are happier than the homeless in America, simply because they have stronger networks of social relationships, which help buffer them against the dire effects of poverty. We get more happiness dividends from our relationships than we do from our dollars.

While the value of the dollar may be in flux, the value of your personal relationships and spiritual connection can always gain equity — if you take the time to nurture them. Robert says the way you spend your discretionary money — and time — affects your happiness level.

Here are two things you can do to add equity to your happiness account:

1. Whenever possible, choose experience over material things. Investing $100 to take Tango lessons with your partner will provide more bang for your buck than spending that same money on a new pair of shoes.
2. Spend your money on social activities rather than solitary ones. If you’re going to buy a cup of coffee at Starbucks or splurge for a pedicure, do so with a friend rather than by yourself. Researchers were surprised to find that even introverts are happier when they’re in social situations.

My parents thankfully understood the importance of these concepts. For instance, they have taken our entire family (three generations) on annual vacations together for the last 20 years. I have memories galore of these fantastic holidays — from watching my parents (in their 80s) play a hilarious game of ping-pong for the first time in 50 years to all of us careening through the jungle on zip lines.

Like the TV commercial says, experiences like these are “priceless”…and they add immeasurable equity to your happiness account.

Marci Shimoff is a celebrated transformational leader and #1 New York Times best-selling author. To learn
more of her powerful techniques for establishing deep and authentic happiness and well-being, visit
http://www.HappyForNoReason.com/

Skills for a Successful and Happy Life

From my experience as a speaker and consultant, it seems that striving for success creates much unnecessary drama. The image that comes to mind for me is rowing with all of your might to get to an island that never appears. When do I get there? How do I get there faster? What if someone else gets there first? If there is drama in the boat, getting to the island isn’t going to be much better.

With that in mind, here are five skills that will make your success journey one worth savoring.

1. Define success
2. Seek and experience joy
3. Take care of yourself
4. Master your beliefs
5. Own your choices

Define success
One of my favorite authors, Eckhart Tolle has some great insights about success. He says, “Don’t let a mad world tell you success is anything other than a successful present moment.”  One of his most profound teachings is the concept that you cannot become successful, you can only “be” successful. What if you take the success question off the table and you declare that you are already successful? When you are free to “be” you start living in the flow and you can really experience success versus strive for it.

Seek and experience joy

No matter what your accomplishments or achievements, you can’t experience success if you are unhappy. For two years I have researched happiness and success and I ask the question “what is heaven on earth?”   It is surprising that the number one answer (over 70% of all people surveyed) say time with family and friends is heaven on earth. Vacations is a close second and third on the list with over 50 percent say reading a good book or eating a good meal. The fact is, you can create a little heaven on earth every single day.

Take care of yourself

If you aren’t healthy and happy you can’t contribute at work or at home. When you travel by air, the air, the attendants always tell you “In case of emergency put your own oxygen mask on first before helping anyone else.” It seems counterproductive in our fast paced world, but taking regular breaks including taking a lunch away from your desk promotes productivity. According to Jim Loehr and Tony Schwartz in their business book, “The Power of Full Engagement” the body requires rest and recovery every 90 minutes. If you are skipping regular breaks you are not doing anyone any favors. In addition workaholism is an addictive habit that gets you hooked on adrenaline overload which contributes to a reduced immune system and illness.

Master Your Beliefs

The reason you may be working without breaks is because you are listening to the lies you tell yourself.  You have habitually allowed thoughts like, “I don’t have time to take a break, “or “If I don’t do it, it won’t get done”  While there might be a kernel of truth (as there is in every victim story) the reality is, if you died tomorrow the world would go on.

The reality is you need to learn how to say “no” and you might need to delegate. One thing is for certain, if you master your beliefs you can catch yourself when you get sucked into the tribal mentality of “there’s no time” or ” no one will help me.”

Own Your Choices

The best way to “be” successful is to become completely responsible for your choices. This means no complaining, no blaming, no manipulation and no explaining. This means you must be willing to give up a few things. You must be willing to give up the need for others to always agree or understand. You must be willing to quit explaining why you didn’t step up or why something isn’t working. You must also be willing to stop saying and doing things just to get approval.

When you become the master at these five skills you will have plugged the leak, stopped the drama and you will be in the flow and loving your successful life.  Get your copy of Success is a Given Here.

Four Stages of Life Reinvention

Have you ever looked at someone you admired and you wonder “how did they do it?” The natural tendency is to compare yourself and come to the conclusion that you will never be able to have the successes they have had.

This is the wrong mindset because you can’t look at one photograph out of someone else’s

One Photograph in the Album

album and think you know about the whole album. Reinvention is a process that comes
in approximately four stages.

1. Dissatisfaction

2. The Search

3. Questioning

4. Commitment

Dissatisfaction

My journey of reinvention started about fifteen years ago with a feeling of dissatisfaction. I knew there must be something more. At this stage, you search for meaning and purpose and you pray for a sign.  I remember thinking that if I could just get a sign as to what I was supposed to be doing then I could start reinventing my life. What people fail to realize is the signs are all around. Most of us just don’t know how to recognize the signs.

The Search

Dissatisfaction is a sign you have been asking for if you are really ready for change.  After all, human beings are only motivated for two reasons: to eliminate pain or to gain pleasure. Most of us will do more to eliminate pain than we will to gain pleasure; therefore dissatisfaction is a necessary ingredient on the road to reinvention. If you weren’t uncomfortable you wouldn’t be willing to change or to try new things in the search. The search can be fun or scary as you step outside your comfort zone.

Eventually you enter the questioning stage.

Questioning

When your search leaves you feeling empty you start asking questions such as “why am I so miserable?” and “why can’t I figure it out.” Then something magical happens when you discover that if you want a better outcome you have to ask a better question.

This opportunity happened to me through a friend, Marsha, who asked me a great question: “What would you do if there were no limits?  After much stuttering and stammering, I said, I would be a dancer or choreographer.

Marsha said, “That’s not going to happen, you aren’t even taking dance lessons!” After some prodding I said my second choice would be to be a motivational speaker.

Wishing is one thing and doing is another. In order to reinvent you must get to the commitment stage.

Commitment

In the commitment stage you start taking action. Once again you experiment with your life much like you did in the “search” phase, but now you have direction. Once you have direction and meaning, discipline is easy. You do difficult things because you see the value of how your undertaking moves you forward.

I started going to Toastmasters to learn the craft of public speaking. Toastmasters totally changed my life.  For four years I attended meetings and I loved every minute of it.  In addition I went back to college and finished my bachelor’s and master’s degree.

The commitment stage is about the action journey.

There are many myths about reinvention and the success journey. Unfortunately, many well meaning people succumb to false beliefs about how the Law of Attraction works,  and about the power of belief.

To read more about “Reading the Signs” and to get an autographed copy of Success is a Given, click here.

Feeling Resistance? Get in the Shade or Go Home

The sun was shining with not a cloud in the sky. “You couldn’t ask for better weather for Cider Days,” I said to my neighbor.

“Yes, I’m glad it isn’t raining,”  my neighbor responded.

Cider Days is a community event where vendors from around the region set up booths to display and sell their pottery, jewelry, photography, paintings and other artistic wares.

After about 10 minutes of walking around,  I noticed how hot the sun was on my head. My hair felt like it was on fire.  Without much thought I heard my voice say, “It’s really hot.”

My neighbor agreed.  “That sun is really bearing down.”

“Yep, there’s not a cloud in the sky to give any relief,” I continued.

Several times I would go to a booth and get under the awning and feel a sense of relief, but every time I stepped out into clear view I felt the heat of the sun and with the sensation the impulse to “COMMENT” on how hot it was.

Get in the Shade or Go Home!

Finally a thought occurred and it was almost as if I heard an audible voice saying, ‘Get in the shade or go home…everything else is just drama.”

Because I TEACH this stuff (how to eliminate negativity and drama) I’m sometimes painfully aware of my own resistance to what is.  This may seem minor, but the fact remains that we spend way too much time in drama which is due MIND PATTERNS and a lack of discipline, awareness, and self-mastery.

As a leader  SELF-MASTERY is a tool that will serve you well.   William Penn said, “No man (or woman) is fit to command another who cannot command himself.  I KNOW that I must hold myself up to a high standard if I am to have the “privilege of the platform” in speaking on these subjects at corporate events and association speaking engagements, not to mention my consulting projects.

DRAMA (which I define as any obstacle to your peace or prosperity) can manifest in a multitude of ways,  yet there  is always a level of RESISTANCE with any drama that is present.

When you look at your own levels of resistance without getting attached emotionally you can see that there is always another choice.  See the short list below.

• Griping about the heat | Get in the shade or go home.
• Worrying about the economy | Call your financial planner, get a second job or sell something
• Comparing Yourself to others | Network with those better than you or quit looking
• Outbursts and Temper Tantrums | Beat a pillow, take a nap or go for a walk
• Talking endlessly about how someone did you wrong | Confront or forgive
• Judging your boss, you staff or your co-workers | Ask for what you want or set a boundary
• Justifying bad behavior | apologize, read some self-help or get counseling

Well, this was fun and I could go on and on. The bottom line is each of us is responsible for creating the life, the relationships, and the business we want. Everything else is just DRAMA. Drama often shows up as a  non-acceptance of what is.

So now I’m setting up a challenge for myself to come live life from the perspective of  “No complaints, no excuses, no regrets.”

This means I have to notice in my own life where I’m failing to master my thoughts, emotions, relationships or physical health. This means I must notice when I am resisting versus choosing consciously.

THE CHALLENGE
My challenge to you is to pick one area of DRAMA  or RESISTANCE that you are willing to eliminate this week.  E-mail me your commitment!

Better  yet, join the Release Resistance Training and really FREE yourself. It happens on July 1st.

Success is a Given: Reading the Signs While Re-inventing Your Life

I couldn’t keep it a secret any longer! I have just finished my first book. (It will be for sale on AMAZON soon.) Truth is, I’ve had it written for three years but just didn’t have the courage to put it out there.

All of the “mind drama” kept coming up. What if people don’t like it. What if three years from now I don’t feel the same way about the work? What if I get criticized? What if it’s too motivational and not “business” enough?

Does this sound familiar? DRAMA keeps us from success and most of us don’t give ourselves credit for the success we already have.

While in the process of re-invention I kept looking for SIGNS along the way to encourage me or to let me know if I was on the right tracks. This is what this book is about…Reading the Signs While Re-Inventing Your Life. It’s not meant to be “woo-woo” but I do hope the book offers people another way to view their success and their life’s journey.

I have another secret that I can not keep another minute. In the fall I’m going to be offering an “invitation only” workshop where I share my SUCCESS SYSTEM and all the practical tools I use in my STOP YOUR DRAMA training courses and coaching, including the DRAMA TRIANGLE, the GRID, The LINE and other fun exercises to increase your confidence, ramp up your effectiveness, and give you the courage and support to re-invent and move past that which is keeping you stuck.

Here are my two question for discussion and I do hope you will add to the discussion.

1. If there were no limits what would you do?
2. If I were to re-invent any area of my life it would be…

If you don’t want to answer on the blog you can e-mail me at marlenechism@mchsi.com