I used to dread the holidays, and I also felt guilty because it was my secret. I thought I was the only one who felt this way.
Most people have mixed feelings during the holiday season. That’s because relationship challenges always come to the surface and magnify. This drama can be avoided if you know how to access the power of clarity.
Join me for this special edition of Attitude Builders absolutely free. The Attitude Builders membership is usually for members only, however this is my holiday gift to my friends, and subscribers.
In this teleseminar I will share the very first step in the Stop Your Drama Methodology. We’ll talk about how to get crystal clear, specific communication techniques to keep you in control, and I’ll even give you some tools to create the right mind set when dealing with difficult people or situations.
Working too hard without regular breaks and complaining are two of the biggest energy wasters and productivity killers. Every 90 minutes the body craves rest and relaxation. Signs that you need a break are irritability, yawning, impatience and being self-absorbed. What happens is you lose sight of the big picture trying to catch up and in the end your narrow vision causes exhaustion and that almost always leads to complaining.
Complaining wastes time. You call someone to gripe about something stupid that someone else did. You could have fixed it or had a conversation with the person who made the mistake but you were so irritable from being overworked, it felt better to vent.
It stands to reason that two ways to increase personal effectiveness and productivity immediately is
1. Take regular breaks
2. Quit complaining
Take Regular Breaks
The body needs regular rest and recovery every 90 minutes. This can be as simple as a five minute stretch break, or taking a walk around the block for 10 minutes.
What happens when you don’t take a break is you start to burn out. When you stay busy 24/7 adrenalin builds up in your system and becomes addictive. Notice how much down time you have when you are burned out. You lose momentum because there is no motivation, you feel confused and restless and you get irritable. All of these hamper your productivity. Many times productivity is more about managing energy than it is about managing time, which leads to tip #2, quit complaining.
Quit Complaining
Negativity is the number one productivity killer. Just think about the time wasted “bitching” about what didn’t get done, what should have happened and what someone did wrong. Either fix it, ask for what you want or set a new boundary. Everything else is just DRAMA. In addition, according to the American Journal of Medicine, recalling an angry experience for as little as 5 minutes suppresses the immune system for as long as 6 hours.
So go get a drink of water. Stretch a bit, then be thankful for all your blessings. You’ll feel better. Your productivity will go up and you’ll get along better with your peers.
Reinvention always feels a bit scary as we leave behind things that no longer serve our best interests. Do we want to let go of the old? No…because we are addicted.
We were addicted to…
• wastefulness and now we are reinventing to being green.
• comparison and we are reinventing to collaborate.
• force and we are reinventing to find our power.
• apathy and now we are reinventing to find purpose.
• Territories and we are reinventing to a global economy
Letting go of addictions never feels good so we think up words like “recession” to describe the withdrawal of letting go of the poisonous substances that threaten to ruin us in the end.
Waiting out the recession keeps us living in drama as a victim, forever looking for a rescuer to bail us out.
Living in a “reinvention” helps us to reclaim our power as we become a creator. The best way to deal with the recessionis to see it as a reinvention, to take full responsibility and keep our eyes on the prize.
Have you ever felt trapped in a conversation? Perhaps you are tired. For example, you are at a conference and your brain is so full you can’t bear another moment of banter, but for some reason you don’t know how to exit the conversation. Or perhaps you are at a meeting and the long-winded associate has you held captive and she just took another breath before starting yet another story? Here are some easy ways to leave a conversation while keeping the relationship in tact.
Give clear messages. Don’t encourage them by nodding, smiling and asking questions if you want to move on. Take a deep breath and say, “I’ve enjoyed meeting you. There are a few people I need to go speak with before I leave.”
Make a Connection. (This is a good plan to keep in your back pocket.) Introduce them to someone else and after you have included them in another conversation you can gracefully walk away, or sometimes they will make the exit.
Avoid making excuses. Often at state or national conferences you might be cornered by someone who suggests going to get coffee or having an extended visit. Simply say “Thanks, but I want to unwind in my room before the next session.”
Be true to yourself. If they are persistent about meeting you later simply say, “I promised myself that I wasn’t going to create a schedule or deadlines. Perhaps we will run into each other, but I want to keep my promise to myself.
Become self-aware. Self-awareness increases the likelihood that you will engage in mutually rewarding communications without boring one person and trying to escape from another.
Are you as interesting as you think you are, or was caller ID invented because of you?
So often people are unaware of their poor communication patterns and as a result they drain the energy of everyone around them.
According to communication expert Peter DeLisser in his book, Be Your Own Executive Coach, certain communication mistakes makes the listener expend too much energy.
Communication Mistakes
1. Telling more than necessary
2. Talking too fast
3. Sloppy articulation
4. Using too many details
5. Monopolizing the conversation
6. Interrupting
7 Only talking about yourself
Here are some easy to implement tips to improve your communication.
Learn to self-monitor. The term ‘self-monitoring’ is a term psychologists use to describe the process of observing yourself then shaping your behavior based on your observations.
Observe the body language of the other person. Look for signs of boredom such as darting eyes, yawning or neck rubbing. Other signs are crossed arms, which signal disagreement or discomfort.
Come up for air. How much of the conversation are you talking and how much time are you listening or asking questions?
Listen first. Most of us are more interested in our own agenda’s than in hearing what the other person has to say. Remember to transition from their last statement into your statement to let them know you heard them and your point is relevant to what they just said. Be careful not to interrupt.
Get to the point. Although story telling is one of the most effective ways to communicate it can be overdone. Don’t be the kind of person who tries to tell a story for every point. People will dread making a statement because it will remind you of a ‘great story.’ Learn how to make your point without telling every detail.
Bite your tongue. Get comfortable with silence so you don’t interrupt. Some people are slower processors. You need to make sure they are finished before you fill the space.
I often talk about releasing resistance as part 7 of my Stop Your Drama Methodology. So, what is resistance? It is the non acceptance of what is.
Resistance shows up in complaints, excuses and regrets, not to mention mind drama. You can hear resistance when someone says, “yes but…” or when someone talks about what “should” have happened or how life is not fair. Much of the time resistance is a reaction to unwanted change or to the perception of losing control.
Even with this checklist, resistance is still very difficult to recognize.
Most of us are totally unaware of getting trapped in resistance patterns because it’s so natural. Even when opportunities come or good things happen we often resist.
Here’s an example. I had a national speaking engagement and was set up for about 40 people; however my topic was apparently of interest to about 120 people.
Once the meeting planner saw that the room was over-flowing, without giving me much notice, he announced, “We are changing your session to meet in the big ball room.”
My immediate reaction was resistance: “No! We can just move extra chairs in here.”
“There’s not enough room,” he said as he grabbed my computer and headed out the hall and down the elevator.
My resistant thought patterns were
But…I have done so much work and now it’s for nothing
I won’t be able to do the games and interactions in a big room
We should just stick to the plans
I didn’t prepare for a general session (in other words, it’s not fair to change things without lots of notice.)
As you can see, I was trapped into resistance because I was so attached to the picture I had in my mind. I was also attached to all the hard work of setting up a room for a mini-workshop and immediately I had to switch my mind to general session.
For people who are not speakers, there is a big difference in the delivery of a general session versus a breakout session.
Then, I realized the gift I was being given. I was attracting triple the number of audience members, yet my initial reaction was one of resistance.
Here is a checklist to help you recognize resistance.
How often do you shoot down an idea with the word, “but”
What are you so attached to that you fail to see opportunities?
What could be good about the changes you are facing?
Are you willing to be flexible to work as a team?
What do you have to do to enable yourself to see the good even in the chaos of unexpected change?
Every day you answer two basic questions. You either answer them consciously or unconsciously. The two questions are:
1. Who am I?
2. Who am I in relationship to X?
In answering these questions (either consciously or unconsciously) you represent yourself.
For example, you decide to go to a business meeting and you consciously choose to style your hair, put on make-up, take enough business cards and prepare your “elevator speech.” You consciously represent yourself as one who is a business person, and that is your intention. You have answered the question: who am I? The answer is, I am a business woman. You have answered the question who am I in relationship to this business mixer. Your answer is, I am a woman who dresses the part, is prepared and competent.
All is well. All is going as planned. You represented yourself consciously.
Later, a group of people gather to talk, and you feel frustrated. The conversation is slow. People are ignorant. You just can’t contain yourself so you interrupt, share your point of view and exclude others standing in the perimeters. You now are answering the question who am I, differently and from a place of reaction instead of conscious choice.
I am one who is irritated. I am one who is annoyed. I am one who must put in my two cents. You have answered the question, “who am I?” You are also answering the question, “who am I in relationship to being bored and annoyed?
Your answer is I am self-engaged, rude and obnoxious.
Oops. You didn’t mean to do that. You feel misunderstood.
The more aware you are of who you are and who you want to be, the more congruent your attitudes, language and behavior will be.
People lie as a way to gain pleasure or avoid discomfort. Below are seven examples of little white lies and the reasons behind them.
1. To save face
You blame being “too busy” for being behind on a project rather than admitting you are unorganized.
2. To avoid taking responsibility
You tell the sales person to call back next week because you don’t want to take responsibility for saying “no.” When he does call back we tell him it’s “not in our budget,” or “the committee said no.”
3. To avoid confrontation
The fired employee is told “we are just moving in another direction” instead of telling him his work didn’t measure up.
4. To gain a benefit without paying the price.
You call in sick just to have another day off with pay.
5. For self-protection
You look in the mirror and say to yourself, “of course you don’t look fat in that outfit” and you say one more helping won’t hurt and I’ll start my diet tomorrow.
6. To influence others
You compliment someone so that they will like you or buy from you. Or, you agree with their point of view even though you secretly disagree.
7. To please others
You laugh at a disgusting joke even though you are offended. You justify your lie by the belief that if they knew you were offended they would have ammunition.
To live honestly in the purest sense of the word may be more of a journey than a destination, and the first step is awareness and introspection. One reason people lie is that they have not developed the delicate communication skills required to live honestly and still keep the relationship in tact. The way we apply honesty in our lives is a mirror to our character. Derived from the Greek, the word character has come to mean the constellation of strengths and weaknesses that form and reveal who we are. Honesty that is absent of the other character traits such as courtesy, kindness, integrity and self-discipline, can be toxic and truth telling must be delivered with kindness, integrity and with regard to the relationship.
Before you know it you get sucked in. You were misunderstood. It wasn’t even your issue and now because you got involved, you are the bad guy. If you want to avoid getting sucked into workplace drama here are three easy tips to keep you drama free.
1. Stand on the Bridge
2. Keep your two cents
3. Get curious
Stand on the bridge
This is one of my favorite exercises to help clients to detach from the heat of the moment. I wish I could claim it as my own, but it comes from author Gary Zukav. Gary says that when you are pulled in by your emotions it is as if you are in the midst of a raging river. The water (representing your emotions) slap at your face and you feel as though you might get swept away. The next time you are aware enough to feel the heavy emotion threatening to suck you into the current, say to yourself, “Stand on the bridge…stand on the bridge.”
Keep your two cents
You’ve heard the saying, “a penny saved is a penny earned.” Earn your peace by saving your two cents. The next time someone invites you to give your opinion about some drama they are involved in, simply say, “I’m keeping my two cents to myself.” It takes wisdom to realize that 90 percent of the time anyone who is venting and asking for your advice really just wants your support. You can lend support by acknowledging their feelings without offering council or playing referee.
Get curious
Instead of getting drawn into an argument, keep these questions in your back pocket:
1. What are your choices?
2. What if that wasn’t the case?
When you ask, “what are your choices,” the victim response is, “I don’t have any choices.”
If this is what you hear, just nod sympathetically. No advice and no getting sucked into a heavy current of emotion.
If you ask, “what if that wasn’t the case,” and they start an argument, you know the drill. No advising or getting sucked in.
The reality is this: Awareness is the first step. Without awareness, a person cannot really choose, because responsibility is the RECOGNITION of choice. Until one recognizes his choices he is stuck into patterned responses driven by the subconscious mind. If you continue to be drawn into any dysfunction including workplace or relationship drama, use these three methods to increase your own awareness and a more healthy relationships.
I used to dread the holidays, and I also felt guilty because it was my secret. I thought I was the only one who felt this way. Most people have mixed feelings during the holiday season. That’s because relationship challenges always come to the surface and magnify. This drama can be avoided if you know how [...]
Working too hard without regular breaks and complaining are two of the biggest energy wasters and productivity killers. Every 90 minutes the body craves rest and relaxation. Signs that you need a break are irritability, yawning, impatience and being self-absorbed. What happens is you lose sight of the big picture trying to catch up and [...]
Reinvention always feels a bit scary as we leave behind things that no longer serve our best interests. Do we want to let go of the old? No…because we are addicted. We were addicted to… • wastefulness and now we are reinventing to being green. • comparison and we are reinventing to collaborate. • force and we are reinventing to find our [...] […]
Have you ever felt trapped in a conversation? Perhaps you are tired. For example, you are at a conference and your brain is so full you can’t bear another moment of banter, but for some reason you don’t know how to exit the conversation. Or perhaps you are at a meeting and the long-winded associate [...]
Posted by stopyourdrama 
Posted by stopyourdrama 
Posted by stopyourdrama 
